Crap Fic Theater

Where art thou, Crap Fic Theater?

2011-11-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

What can I say? Life has been super-hectic lately, and I haven't had enough time to record or meticulously edit any new episodes. I should, however, have a new episode out soon: the much delayed (and criminally deranged) "Artemis's Lover." Yes, nothing like ending a month-long hiatus with some hermaphrodite-on-feline erotic fanfiction. You're welcome, Internet!

Also in the works: the next chapter of "DELTA Invasion," the second installment of "My Immortal," the long-awaited sequel to our Transformers in Love fanfiction anthology, and some fanfics recommended to us by our dedicated listeners.

Episode 16: Fear-Fiction: A Fanfic Shocktacular

2011-10-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

Greetings boys and ghouls! [insert overdramatic organ music] In tonight's episode of Crap Fic Theater, we give you two spine-tingling tales of mad men, monsters, murderers, and the Mary Sues who love them. Yes, dear listeners. As Halloween approaches, we hope to get you into the... SPIRIT... of the season. Bwahahaha! [more organ music] Mayhem, mutilation, and murder... with a dash of manic wish fulfillment where Mary and Marty Sues make love to monsters. Tonight we give you two scaaaaary stories of love at first.... FRIGHT! Bwahahaha! These FANGTASTIC fanfics are... TO DIE FOR! [more organ music]

"Trapped" (WarpedMinded) - The salacious and sinister come together in this pulse-pounding, bone-chilling, and ghoulishly smutty work of Nightmare on Elm Street slash fanfiction. Yes, dear listeners. Freddy Krueger is... HORROR-NY... and needs some sweet man-on-man lovin'. Bwahahaha! And he's found a new lover: a poor, preternaturally dense gothic boy named Garrett Finnegan. But don't worry about the poor boy he's kidnapped and sexually assaulted. As a lover, Freddy is a... CUT ABOVE THE REST! Bwahaha! Yes, in this story, Freddy Krueger is a lover with a sloooow hand... even if that hand is COVERED WITH KNIVES! Pure psychosexual terror!
"Halloween: Bloody Alliance" (Sayaman Blake) - A menagerie of murderers come together as a new super-powered serial killer named Blake comes to Haddonfield. And get this, dear listeners: he not only assembles a crack team of knife-wielding maniacs... but he also gets... a NEW GHOUL-FRIEND! Bwahaha! Crossing over the Halloween, Friday the 13th, Child's Play, and The Ring franchises, this fanfic is actually a... ROLLER-GHOSTER... of emotion... as our intrepid Marty Sue falls in love with mass-murdering videocassette vixen Samara. Let's hope they don't regret shacking up together... IN THE MOANING! You know what they say, dear listeners: these young... GHOULS... always worry that their boyfriend won't... RE-SPECTRE them... in the morning! Bwahaha!

Some come, dear listeners, for a journey into the unknown... IF YOU DARE! Bwahahaha! [more organ music]

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Next Time: Whatever it is, I guarantee it won't feature as many lame puns as this episode.

Episode 15: Quorra Punishment Chapters

2011-10-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

To some extent, "Quorra Punishment Chapters" constitutes little more than a digressive, terminally deranged ransom note written in the form of fanfiction by a froth-mouthed outsider. Mixing crackpot conspiracy theory with intra-continuity crossover, Harry Apprentice's unhinged, borderline-schizoid narrative tosses together various characters and plot elements from Project A-ko, DC Comics, Godzilla, and Tron: Legacy (well, sorta) into an absurdist work of right-wing agitprop with some additional fetish-friendly fap material. Oh, but Harry Apprentice also wants to hold us hostage! Why? Because we didn't create a kinktastic, pseudo-pornographic Photoshop image of Quorra, "the hot sexy lady... from the TRON movie," and must therefore be punished by a positively nutzoid story that keeps telling us about all the "sexual kinks and fetishes" that are being withheld from the reader. Harry Apprentice also demonstrates a complete disregard for canon, continuity, or characterization as he uses pre-established characters as political mouthpieces who rant and rave about religion, sexual freedom, probiotic sauerkraut, hymens, Hurricane Katrina, panty-diapers, and the oppressive, all-powerful "homosexual conspiracy."

In other words: chaos reigns.

For those who have never seen Project A-ko: don't worry. Harry Apprentice even announces in his preface that he doesn't really give a shit about this fandom: "I write this story in a VERY OLD FANDOM that probably nobody care [sic] about any more. Just imagine if it had been Quorra porking gay South Park boys again or if it had been Quorra in the new Transformers movie or if it had been even sexier than that!"

(This episode also features another update in our ongoing feud with Pretentious Internet Theatre.)

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Next Time: Oh, god. Who knows? Possibly our second Transformers fanfic anthology, or the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," or... ugh... more "My Immortal."

Episode 14: The Sailor Moon Anti-Fic Triple Feature

2011-10-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

A nostalgic look back at the irrational hatred Sailor Moon engendered during its time at the top of anime fandom's totem pole, this episode dramatizes a trio of hyper-violent revenge fantasies targeting teenage super-heroines in short skits. These stories spare no expense in spewing all sorts of venomous hyperbole and near-sociopathic invectives. What was it about Sailor Moon that stirred up so much contempt? Who knows! Perhaps we'll find out in tonight's selection of classic Sailor Moon anti-fics:

"Beavis and Butthead Do Sailor Moon" (Bane) - A grammatically challenged crossover that finds our beleaguered Sailor Scouts taking on the task of mentoring a pair of dimwitted metal-heads. The results are as predictable as you'd imagine. Don't let the suggestive title fool you, though. Even in fanfiction, Beavis and Butthead will never score (expect with each other... in slash fanfiction... I'm going to shut up now).
"Godzila [sic] V.S. [sic] Sailor Moon" (Bane) - An epic confrontation of Marv Newlandian proportions! Complimentary neck-braces will be given out to all who can withstand the swift, whiplash-inducing conclusion.
"Bloodbath" (Nav) - Ka-POOOOW! Bang! Bang! Bang! A screwball self-insertion revenge-fic that follows the exploits of a gun-crazed teenage avenger who massacres the entire cast of Sailor Moon in increasingly gruesome ways. A time-capsule from pre-Columbine America, where pseudo-masturbatory stories of adolescent psychopaths blasting away their enemies with semi-automatic rifles didn't even raise an eyebrow.

Hey, you know what? I just realized that Sailor Moon is no longer in print on DVD! What the hell, dudes?

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Next Time: "Quorra Punishment Chapters," unless someone can find some erotic Mitt Romney/Rick Perry slash fanfics for me to read.

Coming Soon: A Night with Gonterman - The Radio Drama (collaborative episode)

2011-09-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

We are proud to announce that we have begun work on our second collaborative episode: a dramatization of David Gonterman's "A Night with Gonterman." For this episode, we have combined forces with Franzie von Karma (of Bad Fanfiction Theater) and adapted Gonterman's infamous, semi-coherent script-fic into a full-fledged radio play. The story itself is vintage Gonterman: a metatextual multiverse crossover which features characters from Darkstalkers, Sailor Moon, the WWF, and Mystery Science Theatre (!) and a narrative where Gonterman inserts not only God Mode Marty Stu but also another fictionalized version of himself. It's like a Charlie Kaufman screenplay hatched from the pop-culture addled brain of a nerd with some seriously unhealthy Übermensch fantasies.

To bring this rousing tale to life, we have assembled a formidable cast of voice actors:

THE CAST

Pamachu (Crap Fic Theater)

Franzie von Karma (Bad Fan Fiction Theater)

Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

The Guy Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Cat Bountry (Cat Bountry vs. Earth)

Andrew Cooke (Pretentious Internet Theatre)

Jeff Tatarek (Lather's Blather)

C. Smith (Heavens Feel Press)

Stay tuned for more news about this exciting episode!

Episode 13: My Immortal, chapters 1-22

2011-09-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, god. "My Immortal." How does one describe Tara Gilesbie's fanfiction magnum opus?

In truth, you can't. But here are three small nuggets of information I can pass on before you listen to this episode:

Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" is universally acknowledged as the worst Harry Potter fanfic ever written.
Numerous sources agree that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might be the worst work of fanfiction ever written.
Others have persuasively argued that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might even be the worst piece of prose fiction ever written. EVER.

Included in this episode are the first twenty-two chapters where we are introduced to our ~~Mary Sue~~ tragically beautiful "goffik" heroine, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who spends her time shopping at Hot Topic, whining melodramatically, practicing vampirism, boinking Draco and Harry (who are both now hot "goffik" bi dudes in leather pants), flipping off preps, and single-handedly presiding over the Gerard Way Fan Club. Good luck figuring anything else out from this train-wreck.

Just don't fuck with Dumbledore. Especially when he has a headache.

As mentioned earlier, we plan on recording all of "My Immortal" at some point, although we may have to spread out the remaining chapters over two episodes. Why? Because this episode is almost two friggin' hours! Gah! At any rate, we're gonna take a short break before we return to the world of goffik Tara Gilesbie.

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Next Time: Something that isn't "My Immortal." Oh, please. Make the hurting stop.

Coming Soon: My Immortal

2011-09-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Listen up, preps. It's official. We are proud to announce that we have started production on our audiobook dramatization of Tara Gilesbie's notorious fanfiction masterpiece "My Immortal," which is being recorded in response to the challenge issued by Pretentious Internet Theatre. And, yes, we plan on doing the entire thing.

The entire 40+ chapter series will be spread over two individual episodes (which will not be produced back-to-back, I'm afraid, as I wish to preserve my sanity). The first episode will contain chapters 1-22 while the second episode will feature chapters 23-44 and additional bonus content.

Oh boy. It's gonna be a long couple of months.

Episode 12: The Piasa Bird

2011-09-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

Ohmigod, you guys! It's David Gonterman!

"The Piasa Bird" (also known as "The Piasa Incident" and "Piasa") is the first chapter in Gonterman's inimitable fanfiction magnum opus: The Davey Crockett Trilogy. Mixing self-insertion power fantasies, massive multi-fandom crossovers, and right-wing agitprop, Gonterman's notorious fanfiction trifecta is a spectacular mess that garnered the author unprecedented levels of infamy and the unenviable status of persona non grata within several fan communities. In this story, Gonterman uses the Power Rangers continuity as the backdrop for a furious, froth-mouthed screed against multiculturalism where the author's alter-ego marches into the narrative like a paleoconservative superhero who solves racial unrest with a series of shotgun blasts and incoherent blithers of white supremacist rhetoric. The Power Rangers, on the other hand, function as nothing more than sounding boards for Gonterman's numbskull political opinions and Zach (the Black Ranger and our first-person narrator) even begins to exhibit near-pathological levels of self-loathing as he lauds Gonterman's alter-ego with near-messianic adulation and presents his white nationalist teachings as religious gospel.

And Gonterman still found ways to be even more tasteless and offensive in his later stories (go ahead and read "American Kitsune" if you don't believe me).

We plan on eventually recording both "Blood and Metal" (seven chapters) and "American Kitsune" (incomplete at eleven chapters). Let us know which of these you'd like to listen to first.

Note: Also included in this episode is a message from Andrew Cook of Pretentious Internet Theater and our response.

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Next Time: You'll find out at the end of this episode!

Announcements

2011-09-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

No new episode this week, I'm afraid. I would give you a customary (and needlessly long-winded) update, but there isn't much to tell. I have almost completed the next episode, an audiobook production of David Gonterman's "The Piasa Bird," and am still in the process of editing the... well, punishingly long "Quorra Punishment Chapters," a mega-sized multi-character crossover that doubles as hyper-sexual agitprop. I've also heard from a few people eager to hear our production of "Artemis's Lover," one of the most infamous (and nauseating) works of erotic fanfiction ever written. As we said in the past, we've got the entire thing recorded... but postponed its release for ages because... well, have actually you read the damn thing? <shudders> So perhaps you'll be listening to that soon as well. Anyway, our next episode should be posted next Monday.

As some of you might have heard, our podcast was also mentioned on the most recent episode of Pretentious Internet Theatre, where we were issued a seemingly insurmountable challenge by host Andrew Cook. What was this challenge? And what was our response? Well, I suppose you'll have to listen to their most recent episode (Episode 36) and stay tuned for our rebuttal (which will be attached to Monday's episode).

One more thing: Heavens Feel Press finally finished their audiobook production of the Hellstorm Evangelion trilogy this week with their release of "Issei Strikes Back." Give it a listen.

Episode 11: Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover

2011-08-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

Before inter-continuity combat became a recurring cash-grab trend in fighting games, TurtleNinja's imaginatively titled "Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover" sought to bridge the gap between innocuous children shows about reptilian martial-artists who love pizza and splatter-gore video games where you have the option of either decapitating your opponent or ripping out his spine. In this episode's fanfic, the Ninja Turtles team up with a grossly out-of-character Shredder (who, as the author repeatedly points out, is secretly a really nice guy underneath all those layers of megalomania) after they are inexplicably transported to Outworld by Shao Khan who hatches a sinister scheme where... uuuuh... y'know, I really don't know. Something about how the Turtles "may be useful as [his] entertainment in the next tournament." Whatever, man. Wake me up when Michelangelo and Scorpion start brawling.

But there's a catch: this fanfic also features a stealth Mary Sue.

The author tosses into her MUGEN-esque mash-up a mawkish subplot where the romantic exploits of an ambiguously gendered Relationship Sue named (wait for it) TurtleNinja take center-stage and pull us away from the perfunctory, blink-or-you'll-miss-'em fight scenes. No great loss, I suppose, since the brawling is mostly of the beige variety. Then again, the mental image of humanoid reptiles gettin' their freak on will probably haunt me until the day I die.

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Next Time: "Quorra Punishment Chapters," most likely. Unless you guys think I should finally release that long-abandoned audiobook production of "Artemis's Lover" I recorded ages ago. Confused? Keep listening after the end of this week's episode for more information. Either way, the next episode might take a little longer than usual as I am going on a much-needed summer vacation.

Note: So, uh, I apparently spazzed out near the end of this production and screwed up some of the editing during the outro. Nothing major. But still... our apologies.

Episode 10: Until the End of Time (collaborative episode)

2011-08-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

This week's episode is guaranteed to please those of you who read The Diary of Anne Frank in grade school and thought, "Hmm... y'know, this book's pretty sweet... but it would be even more badass if Anne Frank teamed up with a squad of Super Saiyans, massacred gestapo officers with superpowered Ki blasts, and got into boasting matches with muscle-bound extraterrestrial martial artists." Yes, that's right: it's a goddamn Dragon Ball Z/Anne Frank crossover. One of the most notorious examples of intra-continuity shipping, gofer-chan's "Until the End of Time" meshes the genres of romantic melodrama, revisionist history, and batshit insanity by pairing off doomed diarist and Holocaust victim Anne Frank (you know... that Anne Frank!) with Goku, the intrepid protagonist of Dragon Ball Z and self-proclaimed strongest man in the universe. And that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg! A crude mash-up of maudlin melodrama and superpowered chop-socky fist-fights, gofer-chan's fanfic reaches now legendary levels of hysteria and madness (over 9000!) with a third-act cameo from Adolf Hitler where... well, I suppose you'll have to find out on your own.

This is also our first collaborative audiobook production where we were able to wrangle up some of the biggest luminaries of the anime and manga podcasting scene. And what a cast we have assembled!

Our Cast

Goku - Ichigo (Anime Pulse)

Anne Frank - The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Adolf Hitler - Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

A special thanks to our guest performers. They deserve nothing less than the internet equivalent of a standing ovation.

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Next Time: The aptly-titled "Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover."

Progress Report

2011-08-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

As usual, we have a veritable smorgasbord of crap-fic goodness in production right now. Hell, we've gotta admit--there are some real winners in this bunch. Don't believe us? Take a look for yourself:

Until the End of Time (gofer-chan) [DBZ/Anne Frank x-over] - We're about 85% finished with our first collaborative production. And trust me: you guys are in for a treat. Our guest performers knock it out of the park. You should be listening to this one by Thursday evening.

Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover (TurtleNinja) [self-explanatory] - Completely recorded--with a bonus Splinter impersonation. I've edited about 50% of the sound files, but have done little else on this episode. I suspect this should be released within a couple of weeks.

The Piasa Bird (David Gonterman) [Power Rangers/Gonterverse] - Oh, man. This one is a fanfiction supernova! Yes, we're recording the first part of Gonterman's infamous Davey Crockett trilogy... because we're doing the entire series. That's right--we also intend to record "Blood and Metal" and the notorious (and unfortunately incomplete) "Sailor Moon: American Kitsune." Yes, we are clearly insane. This episode is 100% recorded, but we haven't found the time (or the will power) to start editing it.

Quorra Punishment Chapters (Harry Apprentice) [Project A-ko/DC Comics/Tron: Legacy/Godzilla x-over] - I've recorded two out of four chapters... and to be perfectly frank, I'm having a helluva time putting this one together. You'll understand why when it's released.

Transformers in Love II -- A Fanfiction Anthology - Our first audiobook anthology of Transformers stories remains one of our most downloaded episodes, so we'd naturally like to follow it up with a sequel. We're still trying to select two or three potential fanfics suitable for this episode. If you'd like to recommend a Transformers fanfic you think might be appropriate for this program, send us an email.

[untitled script-fic radio drama] - Franzie von Karma (the host of Bad Fan Fiction Theater) and I have recently started talking about adapting script-fics into old-fashioned multi-actor radio dramas. Nothing else to report, although I'll admit to being pretty excited about this project. Expect a casting call to be posted soon.

That's it! Keep checking back for more updates!

Until then, please don't get sick of playing the good guy all the time.

Episode 9: The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi

2011-07-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

A special thanks to Allison for requesting that we record this episode. As always, we aim to please.

"The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi," xXxmRs.RiKu's gore-soaked (or, to paraphrase the author, "gore-govered") Kingdom Hearts anti-fic, teaches us a valuable lesson about the sociopathic extremes of shipping. In short, hell has no fury like a fangirl scorned. Her thesis: "kairi [sic] is an ugly bitch [sic] srsly [sic] how can eanybody [sic] LIKE her? GOD." Featuring one-note characters and a narrative so threadbare that it couldn't even fill up a cocktail napkin, this fanfic functions solely as a propagandistic anti-Kairi author tract where fangirl zealotry has murderous consequences. In this story, Kairi is mischaracterized as a foul-mouthed, man-crazy, panty-flashing, homophobic dipshit who takes perverse pleasure in cock-blocking Sora and Riku. And you know what that means--no yaoi!

Wait, no yaoi? OH GOD! Won't somebody please think of the yaoi?

Kairi is clearly a menace to slash fandom and must be stopped. But how do you you solve a problem like Kairi? I don't want to spoil anything, but... uh... it's all there in the title.

Bonus points for the gratuitous suggestion of necrophilia.

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Next Time: Our collaborative audiobook production of "Until the End of Time."

Original Music: Eperiod, Xeko, mattjohnson817, and DJRocAL. Oh, and Bach.

Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3

2011-07-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Tom Dyron (the author) has no idea how to write a good fight scene. Punctuated with bare-knuckle brawls that play out like lame TNA undercard matches, the ludicrous fight scenes from "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" feature all sorts of impossible anatomical contortions, physics defying wrestling maneuvers, and a complete lack of logic, coherence, or causality. These problems are only accentuated in the third chapter as the author stuffs his story with wall-to-wall action beats that make no goddamn sense whatsoever. I dare you to decipher some of the word salad kung-fu from this chapter, where a combatant typically "[takes] out his progressive ax and jump[s] on the monster ax's blade down" or squeezes his enemies "so hard that [their] whole body bl[ows] up in 4 pieces." You'd think the author would've ditched these superfluous fight scenes and focused instead on character development or something.

Oh. Wait.

Yeah, the author sucks at that too, as demonstrated by some of the maudlin teen melodrama forced into the periphery of this chapter. Too impatient for traditional methods of character development, the author slams his finger on the fast-forward button and instead doles out contrived expository scenes where characters sit in a circle and clumsily blurt out their inner emotions or romantic desires. As Tom helpfully explains at one point, "[W]e all live together and... if any of us has feelings for someone else here [sic] should spit it out, [sic] get my meaning?" It doesn't help that the core romance between Asuka and Tom is only slightly less weird and counterintuitive than Shinji's squicky, wrong-on-so-many-levels, illegal-in-fifty-states courtship of Rei Ayanami. But let's give the author the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he didn't want to burden himself with the intricacies of character development and decided to redirect his energies on some kick-ass fight scenes.

Oh. Wait.

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Next Time: Our collaborative episode should be coming out soon, as will our (very short) audiobook production of "The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi." Either way, you should get two more episodes very soon!

Original Music: Taylor Sirman, NemesisTheory, JonCJG, Simon McClure, Vox, Verdi, and Chopin.

UPDATE (7/26): So, um, I finished editing that damn Kingdom Hearts fanfic sooner than expected. I might go ahead and post it tomorrow. Anyone mind getting two episodes this week?

Note: We also debut our new opening music this week, which comes to us courtesy of Taylor Sirman. Out of respect for Pretentious Internet Theatre (an excellent podcast all of you should listen to), we have decided to permanently retire Mouret's "Rondeau." Besides, I kind of fell in love with Sirman's music and wanted an excuse to showcase it on the podcast.

Progress Report

2011-07-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

Just thought we'd let you guys know about all the crap-fic goodness comin' through the pipeline.

Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter three (Tom Dyron): Yes, we've been promising this one for a while. Due to technical difficulties, we lost our recordings of a pivotal ten minute fight scene from this production. This, for various reasons, could be considered a great benefit to mankind. But we've now completely re-recorded this sequence and are almost finished editing the episode. To quote Tom Dyron, "Hell yeah!"

Until the End of Time (gofer-chan): Now that we've received the sound files from our guest performers, this should be released very soon. Our cast should be commended for turning in performances that totally eclipse the sort of mush-mouthed theatrics that are my stock-in-trade. Editing will commence once we've put the finishing touches on DELTA Invasion.

The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi (xXxmRs.RiKu): Our first fanfic request! We actually finished recording this blood-curdling tale this afternoon... and, considering its length, should have it out pretty soon. You might want to listen to this one with a vomit bag.

Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover (TurtleNinja): On the other hand, this one is going to take a little longer. We've recorded the whole thing, but I doubt we're going to edit even a second of this until we clear up our backlog. Until then, feel free to rock and roll this place with the power of the ninja turtle bass.

That's it! Keep checking back for more updates.

Until then, promise me that you won't get into any knife fights.

Episode 7: Transformers in Love - A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors)

2011-07-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

Brace yourselves. No longer content with limiting ourselves to a single short story, we have decided to unleash an unholy triumvirate of fanfics replete with cybersexual eroticism, techno-organic pregnancies, and self-insertion robo-fetishist wish-fulfillment. That's right: this episode of Crap Fic Theater showcases some of the rather idiosyncratic quirks (if not creepy obsessions) found in some of the darkest corners of Transformers fandom. As the title of this episode suggests, we have selected three Transformers stories that deal explicitly (and we do mean explicitly) with the love that dare not speak its name. In short, this episode lets its robosexual freak flag fly as we present to you a menagerie of Harlequin-esque stories about robots fucking, falling in love, and getting pregnant (should have used a robo-prophylactic!).

"Becoming One" (Bonita Prime): Notorious for her online betrothal to a fictional character, Bonita Prime (also known as The Real Mrs. Optimus Prime) is a self-insertion virtuoso who has written a plethora of fanfics about her author avatar gettin' it on with Autobot leader Optimus Prime. In this short story, a techno-organic fembot named Selita (which conveniently rhymes with Bonita) falls prey to the roguish charms (not to mention the irresistible robot ass) of Optimus Prime, and describes--in exhaustive detail--her first sexual liaison with her future sparkmate. The mysteries of Autobot genitalia are revealed! And in order to cater to her specialized audience of robo/human fetishists, Bonita goes to great lengths to reassure us that her Mary Sue might be a fembot but she totally looks like a human female. Whew! Now I know what to ~~fantasize and fap to~~ imagine as I read this. Oh, wait. There's also the fan art. Goddamnit.
"Transformers [sic] Cybertron: My Life," chapters 1-2 (Ms. Lady Prime): Competing with Bonita as the headmistress of Prime's Harem, Ms. Lady Prime gives us a short (and I mean really short) multi-character narrative of another shameless Mary Sue bumping mechanical uglies with Optimus Prime. But there's a twist: Ms. Lady Prime is pregnant with their daughter-to-be Celestial Prime. If you've ever wanted a sneak peak at the delivery rooms on Cybertron, you are in for a special treat. Features a dramatic conflict with Megatron that functions only to highlight the author avatar's insane jealousy of Prime's dead wife and backwards sexual politics. But don't expect much narrative tension as the author dispenses with all subplots with a hand-wave and a couple of paragraphs.
"The Miracle of Life" (supermoi): But don't worry, Decepticon fans! In our next story, male pregnancy (or m-preg) enthusiast supermoi recasts Megatron and Starscream as a traditional sitcom couple coping with the forthcoming pitter-patter of little feet. Yes, Starscream is robo-preggers (miraculously enough) and he's a hormonally imbalanced mess. That doesn't stop him from engaging in some slashtastic sexual foreplay with Megatron, of course. But, really. Not even that strange, out-of-nowhere sexual interlude (complete with ambiguous genitalia) can prepare you for the insane, borderline interminable labor scene where Starscream shouts out lewd insults, Megatron coos at his litter of sparklings, and the Constructicons inexplicably seem to morph into the cast of Private Practice. You will learn more about the robot reproductive system than you ever wanted to know.

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A special thanks to the Transformers' Afts community for helping me prepare this episode.

NEXT TIME: OK, for reals this time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three. We've re-recorded the missing sound files and should have it completed soon enough. We hope. Our collaborative episode should also be out soon.

Episode 6: Judge Brainitite

2011-07-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

A typical scene from Dr. Thinker's fanfic

"In the criminal justice system, the Sailor Senshi are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the demonic Negaversers who terrorize and abduct their suspects and the megalomaniacal judges who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. DOINK DOINK!"

Resembling the lysergic fever dream of Tristan Tzara after bingeing on a straight diet of mahou shoujo manga and legal procedurals, Dr. Thinker's "Judge Brainitite" defies logical explanation. Transcending the narrow confines of the traditional Sailor Moon fanfic, Dr. Thinker's surreal chamber drama verges on experimental anti-art. In other words: this shit is absolutely bonkers. Abducted by the minions of a nefarious Negaverse magistrate named Judge Brainitite, Usagi (or Serena, depending on who you ask) and the Sailor Senshi must defend themselves in a supernatural court of law. Their crimes? Well, as Judge Brainitite explains, "Sailor Moon, your and your team have been beat up on youma and cardiens with out a reason." So, um, yeah. Our heroines are terrorized by a coterie of mush-mouthed monsters (all named after internal organs) and the ghosts of dead Negaverse generals (or "gernals") as the trial commences with less dignity than an episode of Judge Judy ("This is hooking me!"). Launching his one-man crusade against the English language, Dr. Thinker creates a tour-de-force of bizarre subplots, incoherent dialogue, whiplash (mis-) characterizations, and some of the most baffling and absoludicrous nuggets of prose ever crafted in western literature. Don't believe me? Here's a sampling of what you're in for:

"'Sailor Sapings, trying to sleep! Forget it! That ray give your guys enough sleep to stay awake for 1 week. Ha Ha Ha!'"
"'In two-Nega days, according to Blooditite! He are guard for us. Either he might think we are stronger then this, or he is going to carry to the judge area.' Amy replaced."
"'Moon Secptor Elimation!' Nothing happens 'Uh..Oh?'"
"With a lot of hours, the hear a creek of the door. It was Blooditie having key in hand. He look at them. With a evil voice, 'It time to been judged!'"

And those weren't even the best lines! Seriously!

Give this a listen and see if you can figure out what's going on here.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: ~~"Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.~~

UPDATE (7/13/11): Sooooo... here's a funny story. After spending the evening diligently editing the first half of this audiobook production, my computer inexplicably gobbled up fifteen minutes of pristine audio goodness. I have no idea what happened, but it looks like I'm going to have to re-record and re-edit a huge chunk of audio. As Tom Dyron himself might say, "What da hell?"

Because of this minor setback (to say nothing of the teeth-gnashing and endless frustration), the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" may be delayed. The next episode might be something else completely... because, really, I can bear to do all that over again right now.

Coming Soon: Until the End of Time (a collaborative audiobook production)

2011-06-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

We at Pamachu Productions are proud to announce that we have finally cast our first collaborative audiobook production of gofer-chan's ludicrous and incredibly tasteless Dragon Ball Z/Anne Frank crossover fanfic "Until the End of Time." And what a cast we have assembled!

Goku - Ichigo (Anime Pulse)

Anne Frank - The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Adolf Hitler - Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

Keep checking back for further updates. We're really excited about this episode and hope you'll give us a listen when it's released.

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2

2011-06-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

In the second chapter of this legendary self-insertion fanfic, the inimitable (insufferable?) Tom Dyron continues to karate chop Evangelion in the throat as his fanfic introduces one of its core themes: the total awesomeness of the author avatar and how much ass he kicks. Yes, those disjointed, sloppily written fight scenes continue to play out like undercard matches at Kaiju Big Battel, but they also function as theatrical performances where Tom can, to paraphrase the teachings of his spiritual forefather Stone Cold Steve Austin, preach the gospel of Dyron 3:16 and open a can of whoop-ass on some Invador [sic] sons of bitches. But Tom's awesomeness isn't limited to just his ~~WWE championship belt~~ fighting abilities. As we learn in this chapter, Tom's also a computer hacker, a master chef, a badass biker, a kickboxing champion (did you know that martial arts tournaments give out computers and motorcycles as prizes?), a basketball star, and a brand whore (Tom really loves Emerica and Old Navy). But what about the rest of the cast? Well, Ritsuko's interpersonal communication skills go down the toilet (she really has trouble talking on the phone), Misato shags the inexplicably ret-conned Kaji and little else, Asuka and Rei get sidelined or reduced to sounding boards for the men (hints of the author's casual sexism, which becomes more apparent later), Gendo realizes the errors of his ways (and seems to mutate into an eight-handed freak), and the once spineless and mild-mannered Shinji transforms into a trash-talking biker ("Damn right, man!"). Also features intense eating action ("I want Calzone please!" exclaims Shinji at one point), Lynchian dream sequences (where we're introduced to Jeff, our favorite character), hints of a pair of budding romances (more on that next time) and unintentional double-entendres (especially when Tom screams at his ghost-mom, "It's been SO HARD!").

Download Part One (right click and save)
Download Part Two (right click and save)

Next Time: We move on to the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" and continue looking for guest stars for a special episode of Crap Fic Theater (more on that later). I'm also still putting off the editing of "Artemis's Lover." It's just so repulsive, and I don't want to release it uncensored. At the same time, I'm still not sure how much of it I want to cut out (decisions, decisions). I'm pretty sure even a censored version of this will get me kicked off iTunes (hey, why don't you go there and subscribe to us?).

Bonus Episode: Thirty Hs (a Harry Potter fanfic)

2011-06-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

And now for something a little... different. For the record, we have decided to release this as a non-canonical bonus episode for two reasons:

This is a (non-anime related) Harry Potter fanfic
It is not a crap-fic. In fact, it kinda kicks ass.

For this episode of Crap Fic Theater, we momentarily take a break from the shit-storm of bad grammar, poor characterizations, and confusing plot holes to bring you this dadaist epic about the interstellar journey of a guitar-wielding boy wizard and his groinsaw brandishing dwarf-slave. Let's not kid ourselves, folks. This is one of the greatest works of fanfiction ever written, and we're proud to give this an audiobook production that tries to convey some of the unleaded nightmare fuel promised in its anarchic, punk rock prose and absurd postmodern narrative. Bow down before Fuckslayer, puny fucklings. Nothing can prepare you for this episode. Seriously. Everything about this recording is different from what we normally do on the podcast. How different? You'll have to listen and find out.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: More Tom Dyron. More Invadors. More ridiculous fight scenes and more OOC-ness. And more ego-stroking author avatarisms, of course. Don't miss it!

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6

2011-06-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

In the interest of feeding the trolls, we proudly present this decadent four-course meal of audiobook goodness. Often imitated but never improved, D'ark Yagam'i's "Light and Dark [sic] The Adventures of Dark Yagami" is an absurdist, canon-punching fever-dream that takes the medium of self-insertion fanfics to its (il)logical extreme. In this story, Light's diabolical and preternaturally gifted twin brother Dark enters the Yagami household as a virus enters a host cell, tossing the natural order of things irreparably askew. Trained in a secret orphanage in Whales (which, according to the author, is "a town in England") to become L's successor, Dark instead murders Mello and Watari (who gets better) and absconds to America (where the Yagami house has inexplicably been relocated... perhaps Sandy Frank was hired as a consultant) with "a special death note that kills anyone whos [sic] name is written in it [sic] even if you dont [sic] know there [sic] face or name." Then things get pretty bonkers. This fanfic has it all: time travel, double crosses, car chases, secret identities, weird recursive dialogue, knife fights, gratuitous lesbian sex (or "sexing"), mop-fetishism, glittery bikinis with buttons, manly tears, mock-homophobic asides ("its [sic] not like their gay or anything!"), stinky mustaches, lame puns ("Where is Near?" "He is near"), hyper-violent eviscerations, PSP theft, and copious plot holes. Oh, and blood bananas. Don't forget the blood bananas. Filled with ludicrous, near-improbable plot twists and prose that verges on constant non-sequitur, "Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami" might be a stealth parody but it's done so well that it still warrants an audiobook production of the highest calibre.

We have recorded the first six chapters of this fanfic, which could loosely be described as the first story arc and a complete, quasi-cohesive (relatively speaking) narrative. We have no plans to record the entire 40+ part epic. Unfortunately, we cannot commit to such a massive undertaking at this time (especially with more "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" still in the works). However, several dramatic readings of the remaining chapters can be found online.

Now let the foursome begin!

Download chapters 1-3 (right click and save)
Download chapters 4-6 (right click and save)

Next Time: a special non-canonical bonus episode (and then more "DELTA Invasion," we promise)!

Crap Fic Theater Needs Your Help!

2011-06-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Our dated Bubblegum Crisis reference. Yeah, we're hip.

Don't worry. We're not going to start begging for financial donations (although we certainly wouldn't turn those down). Our needs are far less tangible.

Subscribe - As of today, our podcast is available on iTunes. We'd highly recommend that you subscribe in order to receive notifications of all future audiobook productions. We are also available on Podcast Pickle and Podfeed. While you're at it, leave us a review. And, of course, continue spreading the word.

Recommendations - The world of bad fanfiction is a wasteland too vast and treacherous for this solitary explorer. For this reason, we'd love to receive your recommendations. You can post all fanfic recommendations in the comments section or send them privately via email.

A New Logo - As you can tell by the no-frills aesthetic of our blog, we could use some help sprucing up the place. Anything you folks could donate to us would be greatly appreciated (although we can't guarantee that we'll use everything).

Thanks again, everyone. A new (non-Eva) audiobook should be released tomorrow.

Crap Fic Theater Recommends

2011-06-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

David Gonterman getting ready for action!

When I started this podcast, I was only vaguely aware of the thriving community of talented peopl producing audiobook recordings of the crap-fics emerging from almost every corner of geek fandom (anime or otherwise). Since then, I've better familiarized myself with the diverse talents involved in bringing some of these notorious works of fiction to life, and wanted to recommend three that I believe are particularly good at crafting superlative audiobook dramatizations of some of the worst fanfiction on the Internet.

HEAVENS FEEL PRESS - Hosted by Plaid. Home of Unlimited Podcast Works, an anime podcast that occasionally dabbles in first-rate audiobook productions of bad fanfiction. They are perhaps best known for their excellent book-on-tape productions of Issei Mataloun's infamous Hellstorm Evangelion and its equally loopy sequel, as well as Tsunami the 5th's Fate of the Children. Each productions is fucking hilarious, adroitly bouncing between comic deadpan and emotive, high-octane recitation. In fact, we cite their audiobook series as the prime inspiration for this project. (I also have it on good authority that the long-awaited Issei Strikes Back should come out soon and complete the Hellstorm trilogy.)

PRETENTIOUS INTERNET THEATER - An ambitious program hosted by Andrew Cook that not only boasts a vast library of sidesplitting fanfic audiobooks but also features interviews from some of their creators (notorious and otherwise). This is pure prestige, featuring thunderous performances, wry commentary, and classical music. I am particularly fond of their productions of David Gonterman's hate-filled and hilariously wrong American Kitsune (which almost seems to destroy our intrepid host) and Tara Gilesbie's gothoriffic Harry Potter fanfic / Hot Topic informercial My Immortal. And yes, we apologize for also using Jean-Joseph Moret's Rondeau as our opening theme. That was purely a coincidence! Honest!

BAD FANFICTION THEATER - An excellent audiobook series hosted by Franzie von Karma that features fun, high-energy dramatizations of some truly terrifying works of fanfiction. This podcast offers a vast archive of audiobooks that tears through multiple fandoms and doesn't shy away from the dark side of fanfiction. I mean, where else could you suffer (the optimal word) through the loathsome wince-fest that is Robert Tsunai's Chibi Usa's 7th Birthday or dive into the lower depths of Robocop-x-Batman slash. Oh, right, she also brings us more Gonterman dramatizations. Yay.

Give these podcasts a listen, folks. You'll be glad you did.

Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter one

2011-06-03T14:47:00.000-07:00

Tom. Fucking. Dyron. What can we say about him that hasn't already been said? Let's go through the basics. He's a beer-guzzling kick-boxing champion, a trash-talking computer hacker (or "l33t h4x0r," if you prefer), a roided-out airforce pilot, a super-suave culinary genius, a thrash metal musician with a heart of gold.... and he's gonna take a steaming shit on Neon Genesis Evangelion. In the first chapter of this notorious Evangelion self-insertion fanfic, Tom Dyron (the author and the character) gets everything hilariously wrong, transforming the series' deconstructive, hyper-cryptic narrative into a substandard episode of WWE Monday Night Raw and its cast of neurotic manic-depressives into smack-talking badasses (nowhere else could we see Misato belt out a triumphant "hell yeah!" after a battle). And then things get really stupid. No, really. Just wait. I haven't even mentioned our antagonists: an incompetent, glass-jawed race of mix-and-match critters called (hilariously enough) "the Invadors [sic]." Protracted, borderline incoherent fight scenes (with fight choreography that's lame even by the lax standards of professional wrestling) are crudely stapled to treacly teen melodrama, as the Evangelion universe is reduced to little more than a backdrop for Tom Dyron to demonstrate his awesomeness. I wouldn't recommend any drinking games where you take a shot after every dubious retcon or instance of irreparable canon defilement.

And that's just the first chapter, folks. We at Pamachu Productions are committed to producing at least the first four chapters, and might consider recording the entire thirteen episode extravaganza (if there's a demand for it).

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

One chapter down... twelve to go. Oh, god, what have I started?

Update: We are pleased to announce that we have decided to record all thirteen chapters. Well, maybe "pleased" isn't the right word for it.

Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir Scout Girls

2011-05-31T15:20:00.000-07:00

If you've ever pondered the possibility of a self-consciously comedic fanfic from Issei Mataloun, then prepare to be painted ten shades of disappointed. The results are about the same as the rest of his oeuvre. In "Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls," the pre-teen avenger in short pants returns to dish out some serious ultra-violence on ~~the devil~~ Sailor Moon fandom. This self-insertion fanfic features the same sort of gonzo theatrics and head-scratching lunacy that made his Hellstorm Evangelion series such a knee-slapping delight (minus the homoeroticism). Tangled and incoherent prose punctuates even the most rudimentary of scenes (I dare you to parse out the meaning of "falem of light"), and Issei mischaracterizes the entire Sailor Moon cast as a gaggle of hyper-ventilating, sex-starved idiots who periodically burst into geysers of blood and gore (you may shed a tear as Usagi mourns the death of her beloved Mamoru by exclaiming, "And I didn't get to fuck him! WAAAAAH!"). Issei goes hog-wild with the deus ex machinas as characters are killed and resurrected ad infinitum, and he also seems to take an inordinate amount of pleasure writing superlative character introductions ("Who you?" "Issei! Isseim [sic] Mataloun!"). It all concludes with one of the most anti-climactic shoot-outs in fanfic history (this is what passes for comedy in the Isseiverse) and a climactic celebration where "everyone was JAMMING." But seriously. It's an Issei Mataloun fanfic. What do you expect?

This fanfic also doubles as an accidental infomercial for Rage Against the Machine's Evil Empire (which you can purchase on Amazon).

And trust us: nothing can prepare you for Issei Mataloun's transformation into a bishoujo superstar.

Download this episode (right click and save)

You can also access our audiobook recording here.

After you're finished, listen to audiobook recordings of Hellstorm Evangelion and its sequel, produced by Heavens Feel Press (the recordings that inspired this audiobook series).

(Special Note: I know there has been some debate about the pronunciation of "Mataloun." Arbitrarily, I have decided that the second syllable of his name probably rhymes with "noun," and not "noon." Although this pronunciation also precludes me from making "Issei What-a-loon" jokes.)

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist

2011-05-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

The intrepid audiobook dramatists of Pamachu Productions begin their epic journey through the befouled landscape of shit fanfiction with a borderline sociopathic Evangelion fanfic that -- of course! -- stars an author avatar who tries reeeeeeally hard to establish herself as a hardcore hyper-badass (emphasis on the ass). Yes, that's right. It's Sara Anne Grantham's "Neo Armageddon Evangelist," the impossibly titled dark-fic that doesn't shy away from the rapin' and the killin'. Meet Sublime: the leather-clad personification of death (or something) who swaggers through every scene blasting her enemies in the face as she tediously exposits on the nature of good and evil (or something). Gendo Ikari, meanwhile, bides his time learning that size doesn't matter as he tries to -- duhn duhn duuuuuhn -- become a god.

Be careful as you wade through these waters. You might trip over the flotsam and jetsom left from the explosion that murdered most of the original cast and permanently deformed the series canon. Grantham punches up every scene with howlingly bad purple prose ("the faint panting of fucking struck through the still air") and ham-fisted tough guy talk ("Bitch!" "I've been called worse!") while striving desperately to imbue some sense of gravitas and pathos into a story that amounts to little more than a biker chick smacking the shit out of an obese hillbilly rapist for twenty pages (yes, that's the plot in a nutshell). Of course, Grantham doesn't shy away from going all Guantanamo on all of her least favorite characters (alas, poor Fuyutsuki! It did indeed "fucking hurt!") while shamelessly propping up Kaworu Nagisa as a (strangely heterosexualized) love-interest and swarthy stud-muffin (and for the record, "merging" is a pretty lame euphemism for sex). We're also pretty fond of the part where Gendo Ikari speaks fanboy Japanese.

Not for the faint of heart or easily offended. Hell, I couldn't have picked a worse fanfic to start with if I wanted to actually retain listeners. Contains explicit language, terrible grotesqueries, and nightmare fuel.

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

Download Part Three (right click and save)

You can also access our audiobook recording here: part one, part two, and part three.

Grantham also wrote "The End of Everything," an alternate ending to this fanfic that "expands" the mythology behind Sublime and Washington Blasmov (yes, that's his real name!) and takes her story to its apocalyptic/nihilist extreme. Expect an audiobook production of that particularly odious work soon.

Hello everyone!

2011-05-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

Beginnings are hard. But hatin' is easy.

In the spirit of this proclamation, we at Pamachu Productions would like to welcome each of you to Crap Fic Theater. We are dedicated to crafting first-rate audiobook productions of some of the -- ahem! -- more infamous works of anime fanfiction produced on the internet. Of course, the expansive network of terrible fanfiction curdling in every corner of the internet is far too intimidating for one person to handle; for this reason, I hope to focus my attention on the flabbergasting and exasperating, the bad and the beautiful, the most dreaded of the dreadful. In other words, we're going to create audiobooks of those precious few fanfics that have attained some "cult status" as the cherries atop the proverbial shit-sundae. Think of us as the Criterion Collection of bad anime fanfiction. The audio technicians and dramatists at Pamachu Productions promise to deliver (at an irregular schedule... hey, until this starts paying bills, that is!) two fists full of furious fanfic entertainment; we are your tour guides through a rich, borderline traumatic history of anime fanfiction.

For a better idea of the types of fiction we'll be tackling, take a good look at our production schedule:

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist (Sara Anne Grantham) -- completed
Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls (Issei Mataloun) -- completed
Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 1 (Tom Dyron) -- completed

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6 (D'arkYagam'i) -- completed

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2 (Tom Dyron) -- completed
Episode 6: Judge Brainitite (Dr. Thinker) -- completed

Episode 7: Artemis's Lover (Oscar) -- recording partially completed, still deciding the degree to which I have to censor this before I begin to edit
Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3 (Tom Dyron) -- pending
Episode 9: Until the End of Time (gofer-chan) -- partially recorded
Episode 10: Neo Armageddon Evangelist: The End of Everything (Sara Anne Grantham) -- pending
Episode 11: Transformers in Love: A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors) -- in production
Episode 12: If I Was Your Nazi (Mika-chan) -- pending

(Tentative is too weak a word to describe this schedule. I'm going to rearrange the hell out of this list. I promise.)

Dear God. What have we started?

(In the interest of full disclosure, we at Pamachu Productions are proud to admit that we've shamelessly ~~ripped off~~ taken our inspiration from the excellent audiobook productions of Hellstorm Evangelion recorded by Heavens Feel. While we definitely have plans to record some Mataloun flavored audiobooks (anyone know where we can find his Kenshin fanfic?), we have no intention of redoing the HE series. That territory's been claimed.)