Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Tom Dyron (the author) has no idea how to write a good fight scene.  Punctuated with bare-knuckle brawls that play out like lame TNA undercard matches, the ludicrous fight scenes from "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" feature all sorts of impossible anatomical contortions, physics defying wrestling maneuvers, and a complete lack of logic, coherence, or causality.  These problems are only accentuated in the third chapter as the author stuffs his story with wall-to-wall action beats that make no goddamn sense whatsoever.  I dare you to decipher some of the word salad kung-fu from this chapter, where a combatant typically "[takes] out his progressive ax and jump[s] on the monster ax's blade down" or squeezes his enemies "so hard that [their] whole body bl[ows] up in 4 pieces."  You'd think the author would've ditched these superfluous fight scenes and focused instead on character development or something.

Oh.  Wait.

Yeah, the author sucks at that too, as demonstrated by some of the maudlin teen melodrama forced into the periphery of this chapter.  Too impatient for traditional methods of character development, the author slams his finger on the fast-forward button and instead doles out contrived expository scenes where characters sit in a circle and clumsily blurt out their inner emotions or romantic desires.  As Tom helpfully explains at one point, "[W]e all live together and... if any of us has feelings for someone else here [sic] should spit it out, [sic] get my meaning?"  It doesn't help that the core romance between Asuka and Tom is only slightly less weird and counterintuitive than Shinji's squicky, wrong-on-so-many-levels, illegal-in-fifty-states courtship of Rei Ayanami.  But let's give the author the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps he didn't want to burden himself with the intricacies of character development and decided to redirect his energies on some kick-ass fight scenes.

Oh.  Wait.

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Next Time: Our collaborative episode should be coming out soon, as will our (very short) audiobook production of "The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi."  Either way, you should get two more episodes very soon!

Original Music: Taylor Sirman, NemesisTheory, JonCJG, Simon McClure, Vox, Verdi, and Chopin.

UPDATE (7/26): So, um, I finished editing that damn Kingdom Hearts fanfic sooner than expected.  I might go ahead and post it tomorrow.  Anyone mind getting two episodes this week?

Note: We also debut our new opening music this week, which comes to us courtesy of Taylor Sirman.   Out of respect for Pretentious Internet Theatre (an excellent podcast all of you should listen to), we have decided to permanently retire Mouret's "Rondeau."  Besides, I kind of fell in love with Sirman's music and wanted an excuse to showcase it on the podcast.  

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2

In the second chapter of this legendary self-insertion fanfic, the inimitable (insufferable?) Tom Dyron continues to karate chop Evangelion in the throat as his fanfic introduces one of its core themes: the total awesomeness of the author avatar and how much ass he kicks.  Yes, those disjointed, sloppily written fight scenes continue to play out like undercard matches at Kaiju Big Battel, but they also function as theatrical performances where Tom can, to paraphrase the teachings of his spiritual forefather Stone Cold Steve Austin, preach the gospel of Dyron 3:16 and open a can of whoop-ass on some Invador [sic] sons of bitches.  But Tom's awesomeness isn't limited to just his WWE championship belt fighting abilities.  As we learn in this chapter, Tom's also a computer hacker, a master chef, a badass biker, a kickboxing champion (did you know that martial arts tournaments give out computers and motorcycles as prizes?), a basketball star, and a brand whore (Tom really loves Emerica and Old Navy).  But what about the rest of the cast?  Well, Ritsuko's interpersonal communication skills go down the toilet (she really has trouble talking on the phone), Misato shags the inexplicably ret-conned Kaji and little else, Asuka and Rei get sidelined or reduced to sounding boards for the men (hints of the author's casual sexism, which becomes more apparent later), Gendo realizes the errors of his ways (and seems to mutate into an eight-handed freak), and the once spineless and mild-mannered Shinji transforms into a trash-talking biker ("Damn right, man!").  Also features intense eating action ("I want Calzone please!" exclaims Shinji at one point), Lynchian dream sequences (where we're introduced to Jeff, our favorite character), hints of a pair of budding romances (more on that next time)  and unintentional double-entendres (especially when Tom screams at his ghost-mom, "It's been SO HARD!").

Download Part One (right click and save)
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Next Time: We move on to the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" and continue looking for guest stars for a special episode of Crap Fic Theater (more on that later).  I'm also still putting off the editing of "Artemis's Lover."  It's just so repulsive, and I don't want to release it uncensored.  At the same time, I'm still not sure how much of it I want to cut out (decisions, decisions).  I'm pretty sure even a censored version of this will get me kicked off iTunes (hey, why don't you go there and subscribe to us?).

Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter one

Tom.  Fucking.  Dyron.  What can we say about him that hasn't already been said?  Let's go through the basics.  He's a beer-guzzling kick-boxing champion, a trash-talking computer hacker (or "l33t h4x0r," if you prefer), a roided-out airforce pilot, a super-suave culinary genius, a thrash metal musician with a heart of gold.... and he's gonna take a steaming shit on Neon Genesis Evangelion.  In the first chapter of this notorious Evangelion self-insertion fanfic, Tom Dyron (the author and the character) gets everything hilariously wrong, transforming the series' deconstructive, hyper-cryptic narrative into a substandard episode of WWE Monday Night Raw and its cast of neurotic manic-depressives into smack-talking badasses (nowhere else could we see Misato belt out a triumphant "hell yeah!" after a battle).  And then things get really stupid.  No, really.  Just wait.  I haven't even mentioned our antagonists: an incompetent, glass-jawed race of mix-and-match critters called (hilariously enough) "the Invadors [sic]."  Protracted, borderline incoherent fight scenes (with fight choreography that's lame even by the lax standards of professional wrestling) are crudely stapled to treacly teen melodrama, as the Evangelion universe is reduced to little more than a backdrop for Tom Dyron to demonstrate his awesomeness.  I wouldn't recommend any drinking games where you take a shot after every dubious retcon or instance of irreparable canon defilement.

And that's just the first chapter, folks.  We at Pamachu Productions are committed to producing at least the first four chapters, and might consider recording the entire thirteen episode extravaganza (if there's a demand for it).

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

One chapter down... twelve to go.  Oh, god, what have I started?

Update: We are pleased to announce that we have decided to record all thirteen chapters.  Well, maybe "pleased" isn't the right word for it.

Hello everyone!

Beginnings are hard.  But hatin' is easy.

In the spirit of this proclamation, we at Pamachu Productions would like to welcome each of you to Crap Fic Theater.  We are dedicated to crafting first-rate audiobook productions of some of the -- ahem! -- more infamous works of anime fanfiction produced on the internet.  Of course, the expansive network of terrible fanfiction curdling in every corner of the internet is far too intimidating for one person to handle; for this reason, I hope to focus my attention on the flabbergasting and exasperating, the bad and the beautiful, the most dreaded of the dreadful.  In other words, we're going to create audiobooks of those precious few fanfics that have attained some "cult status" as the cherries atop the proverbial shit-sundae.  Think of us as the Criterion Collection of bad anime fanfiction.  The audio technicians and dramatists at Pamachu Productions promise to deliver (at an irregular schedule... hey, until this starts paying bills, that is!) two fists full of furious fanfic entertainment; we are your tour guides through a rich, borderline traumatic history of anime fanfiction.

For a better idea of the types of fiction we'll be tackling, take a good look at our production schedule:

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist (Sara Anne Grantham) -- completed
Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls (Issei Mataloun) -- completed
Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 1 (Tom Dyron) -- completed

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6 (D'arkYagam'i) -- completed

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2 (Tom Dyron) -- completed
Episode 6: Judge Brainitite (Dr. Thinker) -- completed

Episode 7: Artemis's Lover (Oscar) -- recording partially completed, still deciding the degree to which I have to censor this before I begin to edit
Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3 (Tom Dyron) -- pending
Episode 9: Until the End of Time (gofer-chan) -- partially recorded
Episode 10: Neo Armageddon Evangelist: The End of Everything (Sara Anne Grantham) -- pending
Episode 11: Transformers in Love: A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors) -- in production
Episode 12: If I Was Your Nazi (Mika-chan) -- pending

(Tentative is too weak a word to describe this schedule.  I'm going to rearrange the hell out of this list.  I promise.)

Dear God.  What have we started?

(In the interest of full disclosure, we at Pamachu Productions are proud to admit that we've shamelessly ripped off taken our inspiration from the excellent audiobook productions of Hellstorm Evangelion recorded by Heavens Feel.  While we definitely have plans to record some Mataloun flavored audiobooks (anyone know where we can find his Kenshin fanfic?), we have no intention of redoing the HE series.  That territory's been claimed.)