Episode 15: Quorra Punishment Chapters

To some extent, "Quorra Punishment Chapters" constitutes little more than a digressive, terminally deranged ransom note written in the form of fanfiction by a froth-mouthed outsider.  Mixing crackpot conspiracy theory with intra-continuity crossover, Harry Apprentice's unhinged, borderline-schizoid narrative tosses together various characters and plot elements from Project A-ko, DC Comics, Godzilla, and Tron: Legacy (well, sorta) into an absurdist work of right-wing agitprop with some additional fetish-friendly fap material.  Oh, but Harry Apprentice also wants to hold us hostage!  Why?  Because we didn't create a kinktastic, pseudo-pornographic Photoshop image of Quorra, "the hot sexy lady... from the TRON movie," and must therefore be punished by a positively nutzoid story that keeps telling us about all the "sexual kinks and fetishes" that are being withheld from the reader.  Harry Apprentice also demonstrates a complete disregard for canon, continuity, or characterization as he uses pre-established characters as political mouthpieces who rant and rave about religion, sexual freedom, probiotic sauerkraut, hymens, Hurricane Katrina, panty-diapers, and the oppressive, all-powerful "homosexual conspiracy."

In other words: chaos reigns.

For those who have never seen Project A-ko: don't worry.  Harry Apprentice even announces in his preface that he doesn't really give a shit about this fandom: "I write this story in a VERY OLD FANDOM that probably nobody care [sic] about any more. Just imagine if it had been Quorra porking gay South Park boys again or if it had been Quorra in the new Transformers movie or if it had been even sexier than that!"

(This episode also features another update in our ongoing feud with Pretentious Internet Theatre.)

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: Oh, god.  Who knows?  Possibly our second Transformers fanfic anthology, or the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," or... ugh... more "My Immortal."

Episode 14: The Sailor Moon Anti-Fic Triple Feature

A nostalgic look back at the irrational hatred Sailor Moon engendered during its time at the top of anime fandom's totem pole, this episode dramatizes a trio of hyper-violent revenge fantasies targeting teenage super-heroines in short skits.  These stories spare no expense in spewing all sorts of venomous hyperbole and near-sociopathic invectives.  What was it about Sailor Moon that stirred up so much contempt?  Who knows!  Perhaps we'll find out in tonight's selection of classic Sailor Moon anti-fics:

• "Beavis and Butthead Do Sailor Moon" (Bane) - A grammatically challenged crossover that finds our beleaguered Sailor Scouts taking on the task of mentoring a pair of dimwitted metal-heads.  The results are as predictable as you'd imagine.  Don't let the suggestive title fool you, though.  Even in fanfiction, Beavis and Butthead will never score (expect with each other... in slash fanfiction... I'm going to shut up now).
• "Godzila [sic] V.S. [sic] Sailor Moon" (Bane) - An epic confrontation of Marv Newlandian proportions!  Complimentary neck-braces will be given out to all who can withstand the swift, whiplash-inducing conclusion.
• "Bloodbath" (Nav) - Ka-POOOOW!  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  A screwball self-insertion revenge-fic that follows the exploits of a gun-crazed teenage avenger who massacres the entire cast of Sailor Moon in increasingly gruesome ways.  A time-capsule from pre-Columbine America, where pseudo-masturbatory stories of adolescent psychopaths blasting away their enemies with semi-automatic rifles didn't even raise an eyebrow.

Hey, you know what?  I just realized that Sailor Moon is no longer in print on DVD!  What the hell, dudes?

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: "Quorra Punishment Chapters," unless someone can find some erotic Mitt Romney/Rick Perry slash fanfics for me to read.

Announcements

No new episode this week, I'm afraid.  I would give you a customary (and needlessly long-winded) update, but there isn't much to tell.  I have almost completed the next episode, an audiobook production of David Gonterman's "The Piasa Bird," and am still in the process of editing the... well, punishingly long "Quorra Punishment Chapters," a mega-sized multi-character crossover that doubles as hyper-sexual agitprop.  I've also heard from a few people eager to hear our production of "Artemis's Lover," one of the most infamous (and nauseating) works of erotic fanfiction ever written.  As we said in the past, we've got the entire thing recorded... but postponed its release for ages because... well, have actually you read the damn thing? <shudders>  So perhaps you'll be listening to that soon as well.  Anyway, our next episode should be posted next Monday.

As some of you might have heard, our podcast was also mentioned on the most recent episode of Pretentious Internet Theatre, where we were issued a seemingly insurmountable challenge by host Andrew Cook.  What was this challenge?  And what was our response?  Well, I suppose you'll have to listen to their most recent episode (Episode 36) and stay tuned for our rebuttal (which will be attached to  Monday's episode).

One more thing: Heavens Feel Press finally finished their audiobook production of the Hellstorm Evangelion trilogy this week with their release of "Issei Strikes Back."  Give it a listen.

Episode 10: Until the End of Time (collaborative episode)

This week's episode is guaranteed to please those of you who read The Diary of Anne Frank in grade school and thought, "Hmm... y'know, this book's pretty sweet... but it would be even more badass if Anne Frank teamed up with a squad of Super Saiyans, massacred gestapo officers with superpowered Ki blasts, and got into boasting matches with muscle-bound extraterrestrial martial artists."  Yes, that's right: it's a goddamn Dragon Ball Z/Anne Frank crossover.  One of the most notorious examples of intra-continuity shipping, gofer-chan's "Until the End of Time" meshes the genres of romantic melodrama, revisionist history, and batshit insanity by pairing off doomed diarist and Holocaust victim Anne Frank (you know... that Anne Frank!) with Goku, the intrepid protagonist of Dragon Ball Z and self-proclaimed strongest man in the universe.  And that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg!  A crude mash-up of maudlin melodrama and superpowered chop-socky fist-fights, gofer-chan's fanfic reaches now legendary levels of hysteria and madness (over 9000!) with a third-act cameo from Adolf Hitler where... well, I suppose you'll have to find out on your own.

This is also our first collaborative audiobook production where we were able to wrangle up some of the biggest luminaries of the anime and manga podcasting scene.  And what a cast we have assembled!

Our Cast

Goku - Ichigo (Anime Pulse)

Anne Frank - The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Adolf Hitler - Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

A special thanks to our guest performers.  They deserve nothing less than the internet equivalent of a standing ovation.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: The aptly-titled "Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover."

Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Tom Dyron (the author) has no idea how to write a good fight scene.  Punctuated with bare-knuckle brawls that play out like lame TNA undercard matches, the ludicrous fight scenes from "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" feature all sorts of impossible anatomical contortions, physics defying wrestling maneuvers, and a complete lack of logic, coherence, or causality.  These problems are only accentuated in the third chapter as the author stuffs his story with wall-to-wall action beats that make no goddamn sense whatsoever.  I dare you to decipher some of the word salad kung-fu from this chapter, where a combatant typically "[takes] out his progressive ax and jump[s] on the monster ax's blade down" or squeezes his enemies "so hard that [their] whole body bl[ows] up in 4 pieces."  You'd think the author would've ditched these superfluous fight scenes and focused instead on character development or something.

Oh.  Wait.

Yeah, the author sucks at that too, as demonstrated by some of the maudlin teen melodrama forced into the periphery of this chapter.  Too impatient for traditional methods of character development, the author slams his finger on the fast-forward button and instead doles out contrived expository scenes where characters sit in a circle and clumsily blurt out their inner emotions or romantic desires.  As Tom helpfully explains at one point, "[W]e all live together and... if any of us has feelings for someone else here [sic] should spit it out, [sic] get my meaning?"  It doesn't help that the core romance between Asuka and Tom is only slightly less weird and counterintuitive than Shinji's squicky, wrong-on-so-many-levels, illegal-in-fifty-states courtship of Rei Ayanami.  But let's give the author the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps he didn't want to burden himself with the intricacies of character development and decided to redirect his energies on some kick-ass fight scenes.

Oh.  Wait.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: Our collaborative episode should be coming out soon, as will our (very short) audiobook production of "The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi."  Either way, you should get two more episodes very soon!

Original Music: Taylor Sirman, NemesisTheory, JonCJG, Simon McClure, Vox, Verdi, and Chopin.

UPDATE (7/26): So, um, I finished editing that damn Kingdom Hearts fanfic sooner than expected.  I might go ahead and post it tomorrow.  Anyone mind getting two episodes this week?

Note: We also debut our new opening music this week, which comes to us courtesy of Taylor Sirman.   Out of respect for Pretentious Internet Theatre (an excellent podcast all of you should listen to), we have decided to permanently retire Mouret's "Rondeau."  Besides, I kind of fell in love with Sirman's music and wanted an excuse to showcase it on the podcast.  

Episode 6: Judge Brainitite

A typical scene from Dr. Thinker's fanfic

"In the criminal justice system, the Sailor Senshi are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the demonic Negaversers who terrorize and abduct their suspects and the megalomaniacal judges who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.  DOINK DOINK!"

Resembling the lysergic fever dream of Tristan Tzara after bingeing on a straight diet of mahou shoujo manga and legal procedurals, Dr. Thinker's "Judge Brainitite" defies logical explanation.  Transcending the narrow confines of the traditional Sailor Moon fanfic, Dr. Thinker's surreal chamber drama verges on experimental anti-art.  In other words: this shit is absolutely bonkers.  Abducted by the minions of a nefarious Negaverse magistrate named Judge Brainitite,  Usagi (or Serena, depending on who you ask) and the Sailor Senshi must defend themselves in a supernatural court of law.  Their crimes?  Well, as Judge Brainitite explains, "Sailor Moon, your and your team have been beat up on youma and cardiens with out a reason."  So, um, yeah.  Our heroines are terrorized by a coterie of mush-mouthed monsters (all named after internal organs) and the ghosts of dead Negaverse generals (or "gernals") as the trial commences with less dignity than an episode of Judge Judy ("This is hooking me!").  Launching his one-man crusade against the English language, Dr. Thinker creates a tour-de-force of bizarre subplots, incoherent dialogue, whiplash (mis-) characterizations, and some of the most baffling and absoludicrous nuggets of prose ever crafted in western literature.  Don't believe me?  Here's a sampling of what you're in for:

• "'Sailor Sapings, trying to sleep! Forget it! That ray give your guys enough sleep to stay awake for 1 week. Ha Ha Ha!'" 
• "'In two-Nega days, according to Blooditite! He are guard for us. Either he might think we are stronger then this, or he is going to carry to the judge area.' Amy replaced."
• "'Moon Secptor Elimation!' Nothing happens 'Uh..Oh?'"
• "With a lot of hours, the hear a creek of the door. It was Blooditie having key in hand. He look at them. With a evil voice, 'It time to been judged!'"

And those weren't even the best lines!  Seriously!

Give this a listen and see if you can figure out what's going on here.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.


UPDATE (7/13/11): Sooooo... here's a funny story.  After spending the evening diligently editing the first half of this audiobook production, my computer inexplicably gobbled up fifteen minutes of pristine audio goodness.  I have no idea what happened, but it looks like I'm going to have to re-record and re-edit a huge chunk of audio.  As Tom Dyron himself might say, "What da hell?"

Because of this minor setback (to say nothing of the teeth-gnashing and endless frustration), the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" may be delayed.  The next episode might be something else completely... because, really, I can bear to do all that over again right now.

Coming Soon: Until the End of Time (a collaborative audiobook production)

We at Pamachu Productions are proud to announce that we have finally cast our first collaborative audiobook production of gofer-chan's ludicrous and incredibly tasteless Dragon Ball Z/Anne Frank crossover fanfic "Until the End of Time."  And what a cast we have assembled!

Goku - Ichigo (Anime Pulse)

Anne Frank - The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Adolf Hitler - Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

Keep checking back for further updates.  We're really excited about this episode and hope you'll give us a listen when it's released.

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6

In the interest of feeding the trolls, we proudly present this decadent four-course meal of audiobook goodness.  Often imitated but never improved, D'ark Yagam'i's "Light and Dark [sic] The Adventures of Dark Yagami" is an absurdist, canon-punching fever-dream that takes the medium of self-insertion fanfics to its (il)logical extreme.   In this story, Light's diabolical and preternaturally gifted twin brother Dark enters the Yagami household as a virus enters a host cell, tossing the natural order of things irreparably askew.  Trained in a secret orphanage in Whales (which, according to the author, is "a town in England") to become L's successor, Dark instead murders Mello and Watari (who gets better) and absconds to America (where the Yagami house has inexplicably been relocated... perhaps Sandy Frank was hired as a consultant) with "a special death note that kills anyone whos [sic] name is written in it [sic] even if you dont [sic] know there [sic] face or name."  Then things get pretty bonkers.  This fanfic has it all: time travel, double crosses, car chases, secret identities, weird recursive dialogue, knife fights, gratuitous lesbian sex (or "sexing"), mop-fetishism, glittery bikinis with buttons, manly tears, mock-homophobic asides ("its [sic] not like their gay or anything!"), stinky mustaches, lame puns ("Where is Near?" "He is near"), hyper-violent eviscerations, PSP theft, and copious plot holes.  Oh, and blood bananas.  Don't forget the blood bananas.  Filled with ludicrous, near-improbable plot twists and prose that verges on constant non-sequitur, "Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami" might be a stealth parody but it's done so well that it still warrants an audiobook production of the highest calibre.

We have recorded the first six chapters of this fanfic, which could loosely be described as the first story arc and a complete, quasi-cohesive (relatively speaking) narrative.  We have no plans to record the entire 40+ part epic.  Unfortunately, we cannot commit to such a massive undertaking at this time (especially with more "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" still in the works).  However, several dramatic readings of the remaining chapters can be found online.

Now let the foursome begin!

Download chapters 1-3 (right click and save)
Download chapters 4-6 (right click and save)

Next Time: a special non-canonical bonus episode (and then more "DELTA Invasion," we promise)!

Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter one

Tom.  Fucking.  Dyron.  What can we say about him that hasn't already been said?  Let's go through the basics.  He's a beer-guzzling kick-boxing champion, a trash-talking computer hacker (or "l33t h4x0r," if you prefer), a roided-out airforce pilot, a super-suave culinary genius, a thrash metal musician with a heart of gold.... and he's gonna take a steaming shit on Neon Genesis Evangelion.  In the first chapter of this notorious Evangelion self-insertion fanfic, Tom Dyron (the author and the character) gets everything hilariously wrong, transforming the series' deconstructive, hyper-cryptic narrative into a substandard episode of WWE Monday Night Raw and its cast of neurotic manic-depressives into smack-talking badasses (nowhere else could we see Misato belt out a triumphant "hell yeah!" after a battle).  And then things get really stupid.  No, really.  Just wait.  I haven't even mentioned our antagonists: an incompetent, glass-jawed race of mix-and-match critters called (hilariously enough) "the Invadors [sic]."  Protracted, borderline incoherent fight scenes (with fight choreography that's lame even by the lax standards of professional wrestling) are crudely stapled to treacly teen melodrama, as the Evangelion universe is reduced to little more than a backdrop for Tom Dyron to demonstrate his awesomeness.  I wouldn't recommend any drinking games where you take a shot after every dubious retcon or instance of irreparable canon defilement.

And that's just the first chapter, folks.  We at Pamachu Productions are committed to producing at least the first four chapters, and might consider recording the entire thirteen episode extravaganza (if there's a demand for it).

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

One chapter down... twelve to go.  Oh, god, what have I started?

Update: We are pleased to announce that we have decided to record all thirteen chapters.  Well, maybe "pleased" isn't the right word for it.

Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir Scout Girls

If you've ever pondered the possibility of a self-consciously comedic fanfic from Issei Mataloun, then prepare to be painted ten shades of disappointed.  The results are about the same as the rest of his oeuvre.  In "Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls," the pre-teen avenger in short pants returns to dish out some serious ultra-violence on the devil Sailor Moon fandom.  This self-insertion fanfic features the same sort of gonzo theatrics and head-scratching lunacy that made his Hellstorm Evangelion series such a knee-slapping delight (minus the homoeroticism).  Tangled and incoherent prose punctuates even the most rudimentary of scenes (I dare you to parse out the meaning of "falem of light"), and Issei mischaracterizes the entire Sailor Moon cast as a gaggle of hyper-ventilating, sex-starved idiots who periodically burst into geysers of blood and gore (you may shed a tear as Usagi mourns the death of her beloved Mamoru by exclaiming, "And I didn't get to fuck him!  WAAAAAH!").  Issei goes hog-wild with the deus ex machinas as characters are killed and resurrected ad infinitum, and he also seems to take an inordinate amount of pleasure writing superlative character introductions ("Who you?"  "Issei!  Isseim [sic] Mataloun!").  It all concludes with one of the most anti-climactic shoot-outs in fanfic history (this is what passes for comedy in the Isseiverse) and a climactic celebration where "everyone was JAMMING."  But seriously.  It's an Issei Mataloun fanfic.  What do you expect?

This fanfic also doubles as an accidental infomercial for Rage Against the Machine's Evil Empire (which you can purchase on Amazon).

And trust us: nothing can prepare you for Issei Mataloun's transformation into a bishoujo superstar.

Download this episode (right click and save)

You can also access our audiobook recording here.

After you're finished, listen to audiobook recordings of Hellstorm Evangelion and its sequel, produced by Heavens Feel Press (the recordings that inspired this audiobook series).

(Special Note: I know there has been some debate about the pronunciation of "Mataloun."  Arbitrarily, I have decided that the second syllable of his name probably rhymes with "noun," and not "noon."  Although this pronunciation also precludes me from making "Issei What-a-loon" jokes.)

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist

The intrepid audiobook dramatists of Pamachu Productions begin their epic journey through the befouled landscape of shit fanfiction with a borderline sociopathic Evangelion fanfic that -- of course! -- stars an author avatar who tries reeeeeeally hard to establish herself as a  hardcore hyper-badass (emphasis on the ass).  Yes, that's right.  It's Sara Anne Grantham's "Neo Armageddon Evangelist," the impossibly titled dark-fic that doesn't shy away from the rapin' and the killin'.  Meet Sublime: the leather-clad personification of death (or something) who swaggers through every scene blasting her enemies in the face as she tediously exposits on the nature of good and evil (or something).  Gendo Ikari, meanwhile, bides his time learning that size doesn't matter as he tries to -- duhn duhn duuuuuhn -- become a god.

Be careful as you wade through these waters.  You might trip over the flotsam and jetsom left from the explosion that murdered most of the original cast and permanently deformed the series canon.  Grantham punches up every scene with howlingly bad purple prose ("the faint panting of fucking struck through the still air") and ham-fisted tough guy talk ("Bitch!" "I've been called worse!") while striving desperately to imbue some sense of gravitas and pathos into a story that amounts to little more than a biker chick smacking the shit out of an obese hillbilly rapist for twenty pages (yes, that's the plot in a nutshell).    Of course, Grantham doesn't shy away from going all Guantanamo on all of her least favorite characters (alas, poor Fuyutsuki!  It did indeed "fucking hurt!") while shamelessly propping up Kaworu Nagisa as a (strangely heterosexualized) love-interest and swarthy stud-muffin (and for the record, "merging" is a pretty lame euphemism for sex).  We're also pretty fond of the part where Gendo Ikari speaks fanboy Japanese.

Not for the faint of heart or easily offended.  Hell, I couldn't have picked a worse fanfic to start with if I wanted to actually retain listeners.  Contains explicit language, terrible grotesqueries, and nightmare fuel.

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

Download Part Three (right click and save)

You can also access our audiobook recording here: part one, part two, and part three.

Grantham also wrote "The End of Everything," an alternate ending to this fanfic that "expands" the mythology behind Sublime and Washington Blasmov (yes, that's his real name!) and takes her story to its apocalyptic/nihilist extreme.  Expect an audiobook production of that particularly odious work soon.

Hello everyone!

Beginnings are hard.  But hatin' is easy.

In the spirit of this proclamation, we at Pamachu Productions would like to welcome each of you to Crap Fic Theater.  We are dedicated to crafting first-rate audiobook productions of some of the -- ahem! -- more infamous works of anime fanfiction produced on the internet.  Of course, the expansive network of terrible fanfiction curdling in every corner of the internet is far too intimidating for one person to handle; for this reason, I hope to focus my attention on the flabbergasting and exasperating, the bad and the beautiful, the most dreaded of the dreadful.  In other words, we're going to create audiobooks of those precious few fanfics that have attained some "cult status" as the cherries atop the proverbial shit-sundae.  Think of us as the Criterion Collection of bad anime fanfiction.  The audio technicians and dramatists at Pamachu Productions promise to deliver (at an irregular schedule... hey, until this starts paying bills, that is!) two fists full of furious fanfic entertainment; we are your tour guides through a rich, borderline traumatic history of anime fanfiction.

For a better idea of the types of fiction we'll be tackling, take a good look at our production schedule:

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist (Sara Anne Grantham) -- completed
Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls (Issei Mataloun) -- completed
Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 1 (Tom Dyron) -- completed

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6 (D'arkYagam'i) -- completed

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2 (Tom Dyron) -- completed
Episode 6: Judge Brainitite (Dr. Thinker) -- completed

Episode 7: Artemis's Lover (Oscar) -- recording partially completed, still deciding the degree to which I have to censor this before I begin to edit
Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3 (Tom Dyron) -- pending
Episode 9: Until the End of Time (gofer-chan) -- partially recorded
Episode 10: Neo Armageddon Evangelist: The End of Everything (Sara Anne Grantham) -- pending
Episode 11: Transformers in Love: A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors) -- in production
Episode 12: If I Was Your Nazi (Mika-chan) -- pending

(Tentative is too weak a word to describe this schedule.  I'm going to rearrange the hell out of this list.  I promise.)

Dear God.  What have we started?

(In the interest of full disclosure, we at Pamachu Productions are proud to admit that we've shamelessly ripped off taken our inspiration from the excellent audiobook productions of Hellstorm Evangelion recorded by Heavens Feel.  While we definitely have plans to record some Mataloun flavored audiobooks (anyone know where we can find his Kenshin fanfic?), we have no intention of redoing the HE series.  That territory's been claimed.)