Brace yourselves. No longer content with limiting ourselves to a single short story, we have decided to unleash an unholy triumvirate of fanfics replete with cybersexual eroticism, techno-organic pregnancies, and self-insertion robo-fetishist wish-fulfillment. That's right: this episode of Crap Fic Theater showcases some of the rather idiosyncratic quirks (if not creepy obsessions) found in some of the darkest corners of
Transformers fandom. As the title of this episode suggests, we have selected three
Transformers stories that deal explicitly (and we do mean
explicitly) with the love that dare not speak its name. In short, this episode lets its robosexual freak flag fly as we present to you a menagerie of Harlequin-esque stories about robots fucking, falling in love, and getting pregnant (should have used a robo-prophylactic!).
- "Becoming One" (Bonita Prime): Notorious for her online betrothal to a fictional character, Bonita Prime (also known as The Real Mrs. Optimus Prime) is a self-insertion virtuoso who has written a plethora of fanfics about her author avatar gettin' it on with Autobot leader Optimus Prime. In this short story, a techno-organic fembot named Selita (which conveniently rhymes with Bonita) falls prey to the roguish charms (not to mention the irresistible robot ass) of Optimus Prime, and describes--in exhaustive detail--her first sexual liaison with her future sparkmate. The mysteries of Autobot genitalia are revealed! And in order to cater to her specialized audience of robo/human fetishists, Bonita goes to great lengths to reassure us that her Mary Sue might be a fembot but she totally looks like a human female. Whew! Now I know what to
fantasize and fap to imagine as I read this. Oh, wait. There's also the fan art. Goddamnit.
- "Transformers [sic] Cybertron: My Life," chapters 1-2 (Ms. Lady Prime): Competing with Bonita as the headmistress of Prime's Harem, Ms. Lady Prime gives us a short (and I mean really short) multi-character narrative of another shameless Mary Sue bumping mechanical uglies with Optimus Prime. But there's a twist: Ms. Lady Prime is pregnant with their daughter-to-be Celestial Prime. If you've ever wanted a sneak peak at the delivery rooms on Cybertron, you are in for a special treat. Features a dramatic conflict with Megatron that functions only to highlight the author avatar's insane jealousy of Prime's dead wife and backwards sexual politics. But don't expect much narrative tension as the author dispenses with all subplots with a hand-wave and a couple of paragraphs.
- "The Miracle of Life" (supermoi): But don't worry, Decepticon fans! In our next story, male pregnancy (or m-preg) enthusiast supermoi recasts Megatron and Starscream as a traditional sitcom couple coping with the forthcoming pitter-patter of little feet. Yes, Starscream is robo-preggers (miraculously enough) and he's a hormonally imbalanced mess. That doesn't stop him from engaging in some slashtastic sexual foreplay with Megatron, of course. But, really. Not even that strange, out-of-nowhere sexual interlude (complete with ambiguous genitalia) can prepare you for the insane, borderline interminable labor scene where Starscream shouts out lewd insults, Megatron coos at his litter of sparklings, and the Constructicons inexplicably seem to morph into the cast of Private Practice. You will learn more about the robot reproductive system than you ever wanted to know.
NEXT TIME: OK, for reals this time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three. We've re-recorded the missing sound files and should have it completed soon enough. We hope. Our collaborative episode should also be out soon.
