Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir Scout Girls

If you've ever pondered the possibility of a self-consciously comedic fanfic from Issei Mataloun, then prepare to be painted ten shades of disappointed.  The results are about the same as the rest of his oeuvre.  In "Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls," the pre-teen avenger in short pants returns to dish out some serious ultra-violence on the devil Sailor Moon fandom.  This self-insertion fanfic features the same sort of gonzo theatrics and head-scratching lunacy that made his Hellstorm Evangelion series such a knee-slapping delight (minus the homoeroticism).  Tangled and incoherent prose punctuates even the most rudimentary of scenes (I dare you to parse out the meaning of "falem of light"), and Issei mischaracterizes the entire Sailor Moon cast as a gaggle of hyper-ventilating, sex-starved idiots who periodically burst into geysers of blood and gore (you may shed a tear as Usagi mourns the death of her beloved Mamoru by exclaiming, "And I didn't get to fuck him!  WAAAAAH!").  Issei goes hog-wild with the deus ex machinas as characters are killed and resurrected ad infinitum, and he also seems to take an inordinate amount of pleasure writing superlative character introductions ("Who you?"  "Issei!  Isseim [sic] Mataloun!").  It all concludes with one of the most anti-climactic shoot-outs in fanfic history (this is what passes for comedy in the Isseiverse) and a climactic celebration where "everyone was JAMMING."  But seriously.  It's an Issei Mataloun fanfic.  What do you expect?

This fanfic also doubles as an accidental infomercial for Rage Against the Machine's Evil Empire (which you can purchase on Amazon).

And trust us: nothing can prepare you for Issei Mataloun's transformation into a bishoujo superstar.

Download this episode (right click and save)

You can also access our audiobook recording here.

After you're finished, listen to audiobook recordings of Hellstorm Evangelion and its sequel, produced by Heavens Feel Press (the recordings that inspired this audiobook series).

(Special Note: I know there has been some debate about the pronunciation of "Mataloun."  Arbitrarily, I have decided that the second syllable of his name probably rhymes with "noun," and not "noon."  Although this pronunciation also precludes me from making "Issei What-a-loon" jokes.)

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist

The intrepid audiobook dramatists of Pamachu Productions begin their epic journey through the befouled landscape of shit fanfiction with a borderline sociopathic Evangelion fanfic that -- of course! -- stars an author avatar who tries reeeeeeally hard to establish herself as a  hardcore hyper-badass (emphasis on the ass).  Yes, that's right.  It's Sara Anne Grantham's "Neo Armageddon Evangelist," the impossibly titled dark-fic that doesn't shy away from the rapin' and the killin'.  Meet Sublime: the leather-clad personification of death (or something) who swaggers through every scene blasting her enemies in the face as she tediously exposits on the nature of good and evil (or something).  Gendo Ikari, meanwhile, bides his time learning that size doesn't matter as he tries to -- duhn duhn duuuuuhn -- become a god.

Be careful as you wade through these waters.  You might trip over the flotsam and jetsom left from the explosion that murdered most of the original cast and permanently deformed the series canon.  Grantham punches up every scene with howlingly bad purple prose ("the faint panting of fucking struck through the still air") and ham-fisted tough guy talk ("Bitch!" "I've been called worse!") while striving desperately to imbue some sense of gravitas and pathos into a story that amounts to little more than a biker chick smacking the shit out of an obese hillbilly rapist for twenty pages (yes, that's the plot in a nutshell).    Of course, Grantham doesn't shy away from going all Guantanamo on all of her least favorite characters (alas, poor Fuyutsuki!  It did indeed "fucking hurt!") while shamelessly propping up Kaworu Nagisa as a (strangely heterosexualized) love-interest and swarthy stud-muffin (and for the record, "merging" is a pretty lame euphemism for sex).  We're also pretty fond of the part where Gendo Ikari speaks fanboy Japanese.

Not for the faint of heart or easily offended.  Hell, I couldn't have picked a worse fanfic to start with if I wanted to actually retain listeners.  Contains explicit language, terrible grotesqueries, and nightmare fuel.

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

Download Part Three (right click and save)

You can also access our audiobook recording here: part one, part two, and part three.

Grantham also wrote "The End of Everything," an alternate ending to this fanfic that "expands" the mythology behind Sublime and Washington Blasmov (yes, that's his real name!) and takes her story to its apocalyptic/nihilist extreme.  Expect an audiobook production of that particularly odious work soon.

Hello everyone!

Beginnings are hard.  But hatin' is easy.

In the spirit of this proclamation, we at Pamachu Productions would like to welcome each of you to Crap Fic Theater.  We are dedicated to crafting first-rate audiobook productions of some of the -- ahem! -- more infamous works of anime fanfiction produced on the internet.  Of course, the expansive network of terrible fanfiction curdling in every corner of the internet is far too intimidating for one person to handle; for this reason, I hope to focus my attention on the flabbergasting and exasperating, the bad and the beautiful, the most dreaded of the dreadful.  In other words, we're going to create audiobooks of those precious few fanfics that have attained some "cult status" as the cherries atop the proverbial shit-sundae.  Think of us as the Criterion Collection of bad anime fanfiction.  The audio technicians and dramatists at Pamachu Productions promise to deliver (at an irregular schedule... hey, until this starts paying bills, that is!) two fists full of furious fanfic entertainment; we are your tour guides through a rich, borderline traumatic history of anime fanfiction.

For a better idea of the types of fiction we'll be tackling, take a good look at our production schedule:

Episode 1: Neo Armageddon Evangelist (Sara Anne Grantham) -- completed
Episode 2: Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls (Issei Mataloun) -- completed
Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 1 (Tom Dyron) -- completed

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6 (D'arkYagam'i) -- completed

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2 (Tom Dyron) -- completed
Episode 6: Judge Brainitite (Dr. Thinker) -- completed

Episode 7: Artemis's Lover (Oscar) -- recording partially completed, still deciding the degree to which I have to censor this before I begin to edit
Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3 (Tom Dyron) -- pending
Episode 9: Until the End of Time (gofer-chan) -- partially recorded
Episode 10: Neo Armageddon Evangelist: The End of Everything (Sara Anne Grantham) -- pending
Episode 11: Transformers in Love: A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors) -- in production
Episode 12: If I Was Your Nazi (Mika-chan) -- pending

(Tentative is too weak a word to describe this schedule.  I'm going to rearrange the hell out of this list.  I promise.)

Dear God.  What have we started?

(In the interest of full disclosure, we at Pamachu Productions are proud to admit that we've shamelessly ripped off taken our inspiration from the excellent audiobook productions of Hellstorm Evangelion recorded by Heavens Feel.  While we definitely have plans to record some Mataloun flavored audiobooks (anyone know where we can find his Kenshin fanfic?), we have no intention of redoing the HE series.  That territory's been claimed.)