Where art thou, Crap Fic Theater?

What can I say?  Life has been super-hectic lately, and I haven't had enough time to record or meticulously edit any new episodes.  I should, however, have a new episode out soon: the much delayed (and criminally deranged) "Artemis's Lover."  Yes, nothing like ending a month-long hiatus with some hermaphrodite-on-feline erotic fanfiction.  You're welcome, Internet!

Also in the works: the next chapter of "DELTA Invasion," the second installment of "My Immortal," the long-awaited sequel to our Transformers in Love fanfiction anthology, and some fanfics recommended to us by our dedicated listeners.

Episode 16: Fear-Fiction: A Fanfic Shocktacular

Greetings boys and ghouls!  [insert overdramatic organ music]  In tonight's episode of Crap Fic Theater, we give you two spine-tingling tales of mad men, monsters, murderers, and the Mary Sues who love them.  Yes, dear listeners.  As Halloween approaches, we hope to get you into the... SPIRIT... of the season.  Bwahahaha!  [more organ music]  Mayhem, mutilation, and murder... with a dash of manic wish fulfillment where Mary and Marty Sues make love to monsters.  Tonight we give you two scaaaaary stories of love at first.... FRIGHT!  Bwahahaha!  These FANGTASTIC fanfics are... TO DIE FOR!  [more organ music]

• "Trapped" (WarpedMinded) - The salacious and sinister come together in this pulse-pounding, bone-chilling, and ghoulishly smutty work of Nightmare on Elm Street slash fanfiction.  Yes, dear listeners.  Freddy Krueger is... HORROR-NY... and needs some sweet man-on-man lovin'.  Bwahahaha!  And he's found a new lover: a poor, preternaturally dense gothic boy named Garrett Finnegan.  But don't worry about the poor boy he's kidnapped and sexually assaulted.  As a lover, Freddy is a... CUT ABOVE THE REST!  Bwahaha!  Yes, in this story, Freddy Krueger is a lover with a sloooow hand... even if that hand is COVERED WITH KNIVES!   Pure psychosexual terror!
• "Halloween: Bloody Alliance" (Sayaman Blake) - A menagerie of murderers come together as a new super-powered serial killer named Blake comes to Haddonfield.  And get this, dear listeners: he not only assembles a crack team of knife-wielding maniacs... but he also gets... a NEW GHOUL-FRIEND!  Bwahaha!  Crossing over the Halloween, Friday the 13th, Child's Play, and The Ring franchises, this fanfic is actually a... ROLLER-GHOSTER... of emotion... as our intrepid Marty Sue falls in love with mass-murdering videocassette vixen Samara.  Let's hope they don't regret shacking up together... IN THE MOANING!  You know what they say, dear listeners: these young... GHOULS... always worry that their boyfriend won't... RE-SPECTRE them... in the morning!  Bwahaha!  

Some come, dear listeners, for a journey into the unknown... IF YOU DARE!  Bwahahaha!  [more organ music]

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Next Time: Whatever it is, I guarantee it won't feature as many lame puns as this episode.

Episode 15: Quorra Punishment Chapters

To some extent, "Quorra Punishment Chapters" constitutes little more than a digressive, terminally deranged ransom note written in the form of fanfiction by a froth-mouthed outsider.  Mixing crackpot conspiracy theory with intra-continuity crossover, Harry Apprentice's unhinged, borderline-schizoid narrative tosses together various characters and plot elements from Project A-ko, DC Comics, Godzilla, and Tron: Legacy (well, sorta) into an absurdist work of right-wing agitprop with some additional fetish-friendly fap material.  Oh, but Harry Apprentice also wants to hold us hostage!  Why?  Because we didn't create a kinktastic, pseudo-pornographic Photoshop image of Quorra, "the hot sexy lady... from the TRON movie," and must therefore be punished by a positively nutzoid story that keeps telling us about all the "sexual kinks and fetishes" that are being withheld from the reader.  Harry Apprentice also demonstrates a complete disregard for canon, continuity, or characterization as he uses pre-established characters as political mouthpieces who rant and rave about religion, sexual freedom, probiotic sauerkraut, hymens, Hurricane Katrina, panty-diapers, and the oppressive, all-powerful "homosexual conspiracy."

In other words: chaos reigns.

For those who have never seen Project A-ko: don't worry.  Harry Apprentice even announces in his preface that he doesn't really give a shit about this fandom: "I write this story in a VERY OLD FANDOM that probably nobody care [sic] about any more. Just imagine if it had been Quorra porking gay South Park boys again or if it had been Quorra in the new Transformers movie or if it had been even sexier than that!"

(This episode also features another update in our ongoing feud with Pretentious Internet Theatre.)

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Next Time: Oh, god.  Who knows?  Possibly our second Transformers fanfic anthology, or the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," or... ugh... more "My Immortal."

Episode 14: The Sailor Moon Anti-Fic Triple Feature

A nostalgic look back at the irrational hatred Sailor Moon engendered during its time at the top of anime fandom's totem pole, this episode dramatizes a trio of hyper-violent revenge fantasies targeting teenage super-heroines in short skits.  These stories spare no expense in spewing all sorts of venomous hyperbole and near-sociopathic invectives.  What was it about Sailor Moon that stirred up so much contempt?  Who knows!  Perhaps we'll find out in tonight's selection of classic Sailor Moon anti-fics:

• "Beavis and Butthead Do Sailor Moon" (Bane) - A grammatically challenged crossover that finds our beleaguered Sailor Scouts taking on the task of mentoring a pair of dimwitted metal-heads.  The results are as predictable as you'd imagine.  Don't let the suggestive title fool you, though.  Even in fanfiction, Beavis and Butthead will never score (expect with each other... in slash fanfiction... I'm going to shut up now).
• "Godzila [sic] V.S. [sic] Sailor Moon" (Bane) - An epic confrontation of Marv Newlandian proportions!  Complimentary neck-braces will be given out to all who can withstand the swift, whiplash-inducing conclusion.
• "Bloodbath" (Nav) - Ka-POOOOW!  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  A screwball self-insertion revenge-fic that follows the exploits of a gun-crazed teenage avenger who massacres the entire cast of Sailor Moon in increasingly gruesome ways.  A time-capsule from pre-Columbine America, where pseudo-masturbatory stories of adolescent psychopaths blasting away their enemies with semi-automatic rifles didn't even raise an eyebrow.

Hey, you know what?  I just realized that Sailor Moon is no longer in print on DVD!  What the hell, dudes?

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Next Time: "Quorra Punishment Chapters," unless someone can find some erotic Mitt Romney/Rick Perry slash fanfics for me to read.

Coming Soon: A Night with Gonterman - The Radio Drama (collaborative episode)

We are proud to announce that we have begun work on our second collaborative episode: a dramatization of David Gonterman's "A Night with Gonterman."  For this episode, we have combined forces with Franzie von Karma (of Bad Fanfiction Theater) and adapted Gonterman's infamous, semi-coherent script-fic into a full-fledged radio play.  The story itself is vintage Gonterman: a metatextual multiverse crossover which features characters from Darkstalkers, Sailor Moon, the WWF, and Mystery Science Theatre (!) and a narrative where Gonterman inserts not only God Mode Marty Stu but also another fictionalized version of himself.  It's like a Charlie Kaufman screenplay hatched from the pop-culture addled brain of a nerd with some seriously unhealthy Übermensch fantasies.

To bring this rousing tale to life, we have assembled a formidable cast of voice actors:

THE CAST

Pamachu (Crap Fic Theater)

Franzie von Karma (Bad Fan Fiction Theater)

Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

The Guy Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Cat Bountry (Cat Bountry vs. Earth)

Andrew Cooke (Pretentious Internet Theatre)

Jeff Tatarek (Lather's Blather)

C. Smith (Heavens Feel Press)

Stay tuned for more news about this exciting episode!

Episode 13: My Immortal, chapters 1-22

Oh, god.  "My Immortal."  How does one describe Tara Gilesbie's fanfiction magnum opus?  

In truth, you can't.  But here are three small nuggets of information I can pass on before you listen to this episode:

1.  Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" is universally acknowledged as the worst Harry Potter fanfic ever written.
2. Numerous sources agree that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might be the worst work of fanfiction ever written.
3. Others have persuasively argued that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might even be the worst piece of prose fiction ever written.  EVER.

Included in this episode are the first twenty-two chapters where we are introduced to our Mary Sue tragically beautiful "goffik" heroine, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who spends her time shopping at Hot Topic, whining melodramatically, practicing vampirism, boinking Draco and Harry (who are both now hot "goffik" bi dudes in leather pants), flipping off preps, and single-handedly presiding over the Gerard Way Fan Club.  Good luck figuring anything else out from this train-wreck.

Just don't fuck with Dumbledore.  Especially when he has a headache.

As mentioned earlier, we plan on recording all of "My Immortal" at some point, although we may have to spread out the remaining chapters over two episodes.  Why?  Because this episode is almost two friggin' hours!  Gah!  At any rate, we're gonna take a short break before we return to the world of goffik Tara Gilesbie.

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Next Time: Something that isn't "My Immortal."  Oh, please.  Make the hurting stop.

Coming Soon: My Immortal

Listen up, preps.  It's official.  We are proud to announce that we have started production on our audiobook dramatization of Tara Gilesbie's notorious fanfiction masterpiece "My Immortal," which is being recorded in response to the challenge issued by Pretentious Internet Theatre.  And, yes, we plan on doing the entire thing.

The entire 40+ chapter series will be spread over two individual episodes (which will not be produced back-to-back, I'm afraid, as I wish to preserve my sanity).  The first episode will contain chapters 1-22 while the second episode will feature chapters 23-44 and additional bonus content.

Oh boy.  It's gonna be a long couple of months.