Episode 12: The Piasa Bird

Ohmigod, you guys!  It's David Gonterman!

"The Piasa Bird" (also known as "The Piasa Incident" and "Piasa") is the first chapter in Gonterman's inimitable fanfiction magnum opus: The Davey Crockett Trilogy.  Mixing self-insertion power fantasies, massive multi-fandom crossovers, and right-wing agitprop, Gonterman's notorious fanfiction trifecta is a spectacular mess that garnered the author unprecedented levels of infamy and the unenviable status of persona non grata within several fan communities.  In this story, Gonterman uses the Power Rangers continuity as the backdrop for a furious, froth-mouthed screed against multiculturalism where the author's alter-ego marches into the narrative like a paleoconservative superhero who solves racial unrest with a series of shotgun blasts and incoherent blithers of white supremacist rhetoric.  The Power Rangers, on the other hand, function as nothing more than sounding boards for Gonterman's numbskull political opinions and Zach (the Black Ranger and our first-person narrator) even begins to exhibit near-pathological levels of self-loathing as he lauds Gonterman's alter-ego with near-messianic adulation and presents his white nationalist teachings as religious gospel.  

And Gonterman still found ways to be even more tasteless and offensive in his later stories (go ahead and read "American Kitsune" if you don't believe me).

We plan on eventually recording both "Blood and Metal" (seven chapters) and "American Kitsune" (incomplete at eleven chapters).  Let us know which of these you'd like to listen to first.

Note: Also included in this episode is a message from Andrew Cook of Pretentious Internet Theater and our response.

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Next Time: You'll find out at the end of this episode!

Announcements

No new episode this week, I'm afraid.  I would give you a customary (and needlessly long-winded) update, but there isn't much to tell.  I have almost completed the next episode, an audiobook production of David Gonterman's "The Piasa Bird," and am still in the process of editing the... well, punishingly long "Quorra Punishment Chapters," a mega-sized multi-character crossover that doubles as hyper-sexual agitprop.  I've also heard from a few people eager to hear our production of "Artemis's Lover," one of the most infamous (and nauseating) works of erotic fanfiction ever written.  As we said in the past, we've got the entire thing recorded... but postponed its release for ages because... well, have actually you read the damn thing? <shudders>  So perhaps you'll be listening to that soon as well.  Anyway, our next episode should be posted next Monday.

As some of you might have heard, our podcast was also mentioned on the most recent episode of Pretentious Internet Theatre, where we were issued a seemingly insurmountable challenge by host Andrew Cook.  What was this challenge?  And what was our response?  Well, I suppose you'll have to listen to their most recent episode (Episode 36) and stay tuned for our rebuttal (which will be attached to  Monday's episode).

One more thing: Heavens Feel Press finally finished their audiobook production of the Hellstorm Evangelion trilogy this week with their release of "Issei Strikes Back."  Give it a listen.

Episode 11: Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover

Before inter-continuity combat became a recurring cash-grab trend in fighting games, TurtleNinja's imaginatively titled "Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover" sought to bridge the gap between innocuous children shows about reptilian martial-artists who love pizza and splatter-gore video games where you have the option of either decapitating your opponent or ripping out his spine.  In this episode's fanfic, the Ninja Turtles team up with a grossly out-of-character Shredder (who, as the author repeatedly points out, is secretly a really nice guy underneath all those layers of megalomania) after they are inexplicably transported to Outworld by Shao Khan who hatches a sinister scheme where... uuuuh... y'know, I really don't know.  Something about how the Turtles "may be useful as [his] entertainment in the next tournament."  Whatever, man.  Wake me up when Michelangelo and Scorpion start brawling.

But there's a catch: this fanfic also features a stealth Mary Sue.

The author tosses into her MUGEN-esque mash-up a mawkish subplot where the romantic exploits of an ambiguously gendered Relationship Sue named (wait for it) TurtleNinja take center-stage and pull us away from the perfunctory, blink-or-you'll-miss-'em fight scenes.  No great loss, I suppose, since the brawling is mostly of the beige variety.  Then again, the mental image of humanoid reptiles gettin' their freak on will probably haunt me until the day I die.

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Next Time: "Quorra Punishment Chapters," most likely.  Unless you guys think I should finally release that long-abandoned audiobook production of "Artemis's Lover" I recorded ages ago.  Confused?  Keep listening after the end of this week's episode for more information.  Either way, the next episode might take a little longer than usual as I am going on a much-needed summer vacation.

Note: So, uh, I apparently spazzed out near the end of this production and screwed up some of the editing during the outro.  Nothing major.  But still... our apologies.  

Episode 10: Until the End of Time (collaborative episode)

This week's episode is guaranteed to please those of you who read The Diary of Anne Frank in grade school and thought, "Hmm... y'know, this book's pretty sweet... but it would be even more badass if Anne Frank teamed up with a squad of Super Saiyans, massacred gestapo officers with superpowered Ki blasts, and got into boasting matches with muscle-bound extraterrestrial martial artists."  Yes, that's right: it's a goddamn Dragon Ball Z/Anne Frank crossover.  One of the most notorious examples of intra-continuity shipping, gofer-chan's "Until the End of Time" meshes the genres of romantic melodrama, revisionist history, and batshit insanity by pairing off doomed diarist and Holocaust victim Anne Frank (you know... that Anne Frank!) with Goku, the intrepid protagonist of Dragon Ball Z and self-proclaimed strongest man in the universe.  And that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg!  A crude mash-up of maudlin melodrama and superpowered chop-socky fist-fights, gofer-chan's fanfic reaches now legendary levels of hysteria and madness (over 9000!) with a third-act cameo from Adolf Hitler where... well, I suppose you'll have to find out on your own.

This is also our first collaborative audiobook production where we were able to wrangle up some of the biggest luminaries of the anime and manga podcasting scene.  And what a cast we have assembled!

Our Cast

Goku - Ichigo (Anime Pulse)

Anne Frank - The Girl Nerd (The Girl Nerd's Podcast)

Adolf Hitler - Sean Russell (Anime 3000)

A special thanks to our guest performers.  They deserve nothing less than the internet equivalent of a standing ovation.

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Next Time: The aptly-titled "Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover."

Progress Report

As usual, we have a veritable smorgasbord of crap-fic goodness in production right now.  Hell, we've gotta admit--there are some real winners in this bunch.  Don't believe us?  Take a look for yourself:

Until the End of Time (gofer-chan) [DBZ/Anne Frank x-over] - We're about 85% finished with our first collaborative production.  And trust me: you guys are in for a treat.  Our guest performers knock it out of the park.  You should be listening to this one by Thursday evening.

Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover (TurtleNinja) [self-explanatory] - Completely recorded--with a bonus Splinter impersonation.  I've edited about 50% of the sound files, but have done little else on this episode.  I suspect this should be released within a couple of weeks.

The Piasa Bird (David Gonterman) [Power Rangers/Gonterverse] - Oh, man.  This one is a fanfiction supernova!  Yes, we're recording the first part of Gonterman's infamous Davey Crockett trilogy... because we're doing the entire series.  That's right--we also intend to record "Blood and Metal" and the notorious (and unfortunately incomplete) "Sailor Moon: American Kitsune."  Yes, we are clearly insane.  This episode is 100% recorded, but we haven't found the time (or the will power) to start editing it. 

Quorra Punishment Chapters (Harry Apprentice) [Project A-ko/DC Comics/Tron: Legacy/Godzilla x-over] - I've recorded two out of four chapters... and to be perfectly frank, I'm having a helluva time putting this one together.  You'll understand why when it's released.

Transformers in Love II -- A Fanfiction Anthology - Our first audiobook anthology of Transformers stories remains one of our most downloaded episodes, so we'd naturally like to follow it up with a sequel.  We're still trying to select two or three potential fanfics suitable for this episode.  If you'd like to recommend a Transformers fanfic you think might be appropriate for this program, send us an email.  

[untitled script-fic radio drama] - Franzie von Karma (the host of Bad Fan Fiction Theater) and I have recently started talking about adapting script-fics into old-fashioned multi-actor radio dramas.  Nothing else to report, although I'll admit to being pretty excited about this project.  Expect a casting call to be posted soon.

That's it!  Keep checking back for more updates!

Until then, please don't get sick of playing the good guy all the time.

Episode 9: The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi

A special thanks to Allison for requesting that we record this episode.  As always, we aim to please.

"The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi," xXxmRs.RiKu's gore-soaked (or, to paraphrase the author, "gore-govered") Kingdom Hearts anti-fic, teaches us a valuable lesson about the sociopathic extremes of shipping.  In short, hell has no fury like a fangirl scorned.  Her thesis: "kairi [sic] is an ugly bitch [sic] srsly [sic] how can eanybody [sic] LIKE her? GOD."  Featuring one-note characters and a narrative so threadbare that it couldn't even fill up a cocktail napkin, this fanfic functions solely as a propagandistic anti-Kairi author tract where fangirl zealotry has murderous consequences.  In this story, Kairi is mischaracterized as a foul-mouthed, man-crazy, panty-flashing, homophobic dipshit who takes perverse pleasure in cock-blocking Sora and Riku.  And you know what that means--no yaoi!

Wait, no yaoi?  OH GOD!  Won't somebody please think of the yaoi?

Kairi is clearly a menace to slash fandom and must be stopped.  But how do you you solve a problem like Kairi?  I don't want to spoil anything, but... uh... it's all there in the title.

Bonus points for the gratuitous suggestion of necrophilia.

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Next Time: Our collaborative audiobook production of "Until the End of Time."

Original Music: Eperiod, Xeko, mattjohnson817, and DJRocAL.  Oh, and Bach.

Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Tom Dyron (the author) has no idea how to write a good fight scene.  Punctuated with bare-knuckle brawls that play out like lame TNA undercard matches, the ludicrous fight scenes from "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" feature all sorts of impossible anatomical contortions, physics defying wrestling maneuvers, and a complete lack of logic, coherence, or causality.  These problems are only accentuated in the third chapter as the author stuffs his story with wall-to-wall action beats that make no goddamn sense whatsoever.  I dare you to decipher some of the word salad kung-fu from this chapter, where a combatant typically "[takes] out his progressive ax and jump[s] on the monster ax's blade down" or squeezes his enemies "so hard that [their] whole body bl[ows] up in 4 pieces."  You'd think the author would've ditched these superfluous fight scenes and focused instead on character development or something.

Oh.  Wait.

Yeah, the author sucks at that too, as demonstrated by some of the maudlin teen melodrama forced into the periphery of this chapter.  Too impatient for traditional methods of character development, the author slams his finger on the fast-forward button and instead doles out contrived expository scenes where characters sit in a circle and clumsily blurt out their inner emotions or romantic desires.  As Tom helpfully explains at one point, "[W]e all live together and... if any of us has feelings for someone else here [sic] should spit it out, [sic] get my meaning?"  It doesn't help that the core romance between Asuka and Tom is only slightly less weird and counterintuitive than Shinji's squicky, wrong-on-so-many-levels, illegal-in-fifty-states courtship of Rei Ayanami.  But let's give the author the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps he didn't want to burden himself with the intricacies of character development and decided to redirect his energies on some kick-ass fight scenes.

Oh.  Wait.

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Next Time: Our collaborative episode should be coming out soon, as will our (very short) audiobook production of "The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi."  Either way, you should get two more episodes very soon!

Original Music: Taylor Sirman, NemesisTheory, JonCJG, Simon McClure, Vox, Verdi, and Chopin.

UPDATE (7/26): So, um, I finished editing that damn Kingdom Hearts fanfic sooner than expected.  I might go ahead and post it tomorrow.  Anyone mind getting two episodes this week?

Note: We also debut our new opening music this week, which comes to us courtesy of Taylor Sirman.   Out of respect for Pretentious Internet Theatre (an excellent podcast all of you should listen to), we have decided to permanently retire Mouret's "Rondeau."  Besides, I kind of fell in love with Sirman's music and wanted an excuse to showcase it on the podcast.