Episode 13: My Immortal, chapters 1-22

Oh, god.  "My Immortal."  How does one describe Tara Gilesbie's fanfiction magnum opus?  

In truth, you can't.  But here are three small nuggets of information I can pass on before you listen to this episode:

1.  Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" is universally acknowledged as the worst Harry Potter fanfic ever written.
2. Numerous sources agree that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might be the worst work of fanfiction ever written.
3. Others have persuasively argued that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might even be the worst piece of prose fiction ever written.  EVER.

Included in this episode are the first twenty-two chapters where we are introduced to our Mary Sue tragically beautiful "goffik" heroine, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who spends her time shopping at Hot Topic, whining melodramatically, practicing vampirism, boinking Draco and Harry (who are both now hot "goffik" bi dudes in leather pants), flipping off preps, and single-handedly presiding over the Gerard Way Fan Club.  Good luck figuring anything else out from this train-wreck.

Just don't fuck with Dumbledore.  Especially when he has a headache.

As mentioned earlier, we plan on recording all of "My Immortal" at some point, although we may have to spread out the remaining chapters over two episodes.  Why?  Because this episode is almost two friggin' hours!  Gah!  At any rate, we're gonna take a short break before we return to the world of goffik Tara Gilesbie.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: Something that isn't "My Immortal."  Oh, please.  Make the hurting stop.

Coming Soon: My Immortal

Listen up, preps.  It's official.  We are proud to announce that we have started production on our audiobook dramatization of Tara Gilesbie's notorious fanfiction masterpiece "My Immortal," which is being recorded in response to the challenge issued by Pretentious Internet Theatre.  And, yes, we plan on doing the entire thing.

The entire 40+ chapter series will be spread over two individual episodes (which will not be produced back-to-back, I'm afraid, as I wish to preserve my sanity).  The first episode will contain chapters 1-22 while the second episode will feature chapters 23-44 and additional bonus content.

Oh boy.  It's gonna be a long couple of months.

Episode 7: Transformers in Love - A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors)

Brace yourselves.  No longer content with limiting ourselves to a single short story, we have decided to unleash an unholy triumvirate of fanfics replete with cybersexual eroticism, techno-organic pregnancies, and self-insertion robo-fetishist wish-fulfillment.  That's right: this episode of Crap Fic Theater showcases some of the rather idiosyncratic quirks (if not creepy obsessions) found in some of the darkest corners of Transformers fandom.  As the title of this episode suggests, we have selected three Transformers stories that deal explicitly (and we do mean explicitly) with the love that dare not speak its name.  In short, this episode lets its robosexual freak flag fly as we present to you a menagerie of Harlequin-esque stories about robots fucking, falling in love, and getting pregnant (should have used a robo-prophylactic!).

• "Becoming One" (Bonita Prime): Notorious for her online betrothal to a fictional character, Bonita Prime (also known as The Real Mrs. Optimus Prime) is a self-insertion virtuoso who has written a plethora of fanfics about her author avatar gettin' it on with Autobot leader Optimus Prime.  In this short story, a techno-organic fembot named Selita (which conveniently rhymes with Bonita) falls prey to the roguish charms (not to mention the irresistible robot ass) of Optimus Prime, and describes--in exhaustive detail--her first sexual liaison with her future sparkmate.  The mysteries of Autobot genitalia are revealed!  And in order to cater to her specialized audience of  robo/human fetishists, Bonita goes to great lengths to reassure us that her Mary Sue might be a fembot but she totally looks like a human female.  Whew!  Now I know what to fantasize and fap to imagine as I read this.  Oh, wait.  There's also the fan art.  Goddamnit.
• "Transformers [sic] Cybertron: My Life," chapters 1-2 (Ms. Lady Prime): Competing with Bonita as the headmistress of Prime's Harem, Ms. Lady Prime gives us a short (and I mean really short) multi-character narrative of another shameless Mary Sue bumping mechanical uglies with Optimus Prime.  But there's a twist: Ms. Lady Prime is pregnant with their daughter-to-be Celestial Prime.  If you've ever wanted a sneak peak at the delivery rooms on Cybertron, you are in for a special treat.  Features a dramatic conflict with Megatron that functions only to highlight the author avatar's insane jealousy of Prime's dead wife and backwards sexual politics.  But don't expect much narrative tension as the author dispenses with all subplots with a hand-wave and a couple of paragraphs.
• "The Miracle of Life" (supermoi): But don't worry, Decepticon fans!  In our next story, male pregnancy (or m-preg) enthusiast supermoi recasts Megatron and Starscream as a traditional sitcom couple coping with the forthcoming pitter-patter of little feet.  Yes, Starscream is robo-preggers (miraculously enough) and he's a hormonally imbalanced mess.  That doesn't stop him from engaging in some slashtastic sexual foreplay with Megatron, of course.  But, really.  Not even that strange, out-of-nowhere sexual interlude (complete with ambiguous genitalia) can prepare you for the insane, borderline interminable labor scene where Starscream shouts out lewd insults, Megatron coos at his litter of sparklings, and the Constructicons inexplicably seem to morph into the cast of Private Practice.  You will learn more about the robot reproductive system than you ever wanted to know.

Download this episode (right click and save)

A special thanks to the Transformers' Afts community for helping me prepare this episode.

NEXT TIME: OK, for reals this time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.  We've re-recorded the missing sound files and should have it completed soon enough.  We hope.  Our collaborative episode should also be out soon.