Episode 15: Quorra Punishment Chapters

To some extent, "Quorra Punishment Chapters" constitutes little more than a digressive, terminally deranged ransom note written in the form of fanfiction by a froth-mouthed outsider.  Mixing crackpot conspiracy theory with intra-continuity crossover, Harry Apprentice's unhinged, borderline-schizoid narrative tosses together various characters and plot elements from Project A-ko, DC Comics, Godzilla, and Tron: Legacy (well, sorta) into an absurdist work of right-wing agitprop with some additional fetish-friendly fap material.  Oh, but Harry Apprentice also wants to hold us hostage!  Why?  Because we didn't create a kinktastic, pseudo-pornographic Photoshop image of Quorra, "the hot sexy lady... from the TRON movie," and must therefore be punished by a positively nutzoid story that keeps telling us about all the "sexual kinks and fetishes" that are being withheld from the reader.  Harry Apprentice also demonstrates a complete disregard for canon, continuity, or characterization as he uses pre-established characters as political mouthpieces who rant and rave about religion, sexual freedom, probiotic sauerkraut, hymens, Hurricane Katrina, panty-diapers, and the oppressive, all-powerful "homosexual conspiracy."

In other words: chaos reigns.

For those who have never seen Project A-ko: don't worry.  Harry Apprentice even announces in his preface that he doesn't really give a shit about this fandom: "I write this story in a VERY OLD FANDOM that probably nobody care [sic] about any more. Just imagine if it had been Quorra porking gay South Park boys again or if it had been Quorra in the new Transformers movie or if it had been even sexier than that!"

(This episode also features another update in our ongoing feud with Pretentious Internet Theatre.)

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Next Time: Oh, god.  Who knows?  Possibly our second Transformers fanfic anthology, or the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," or... ugh... more "My Immortal."

Episode 13: My Immortal, chapters 1-22

Oh, god.  "My Immortal."  How does one describe Tara Gilesbie's fanfiction magnum opus?  

In truth, you can't.  But here are three small nuggets of information I can pass on before you listen to this episode:

1.  Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" is universally acknowledged as the worst Harry Potter fanfic ever written.
2. Numerous sources agree that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might be the worst work of fanfiction ever written.
3. Others have persuasively argued that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might even be the worst piece of prose fiction ever written.  EVER.

Included in this episode are the first twenty-two chapters where we are introduced to our Mary Sue tragically beautiful "goffik" heroine, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who spends her time shopping at Hot Topic, whining melodramatically, practicing vampirism, boinking Draco and Harry (who are both now hot "goffik" bi dudes in leather pants), flipping off preps, and single-handedly presiding over the Gerard Way Fan Club.  Good luck figuring anything else out from this train-wreck.

Just don't fuck with Dumbledore.  Especially when he has a headache.

As mentioned earlier, we plan on recording all of "My Immortal" at some point, although we may have to spread out the remaining chapters over two episodes.  Why?  Because this episode is almost two friggin' hours!  Gah!  At any rate, we're gonna take a short break before we return to the world of goffik Tara Gilesbie.

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Next Time: Something that isn't "My Immortal."  Oh, please.  Make the hurting stop.

Episode 12: The Piasa Bird

Ohmigod, you guys!  It's David Gonterman!

"The Piasa Bird" (also known as "The Piasa Incident" and "Piasa") is the first chapter in Gonterman's inimitable fanfiction magnum opus: The Davey Crockett Trilogy.  Mixing self-insertion power fantasies, massive multi-fandom crossovers, and right-wing agitprop, Gonterman's notorious fanfiction trifecta is a spectacular mess that garnered the author unprecedented levels of infamy and the unenviable status of persona non grata within several fan communities.  In this story, Gonterman uses the Power Rangers continuity as the backdrop for a furious, froth-mouthed screed against multiculturalism where the author's alter-ego marches into the narrative like a paleoconservative superhero who solves racial unrest with a series of shotgun blasts and incoherent blithers of white supremacist rhetoric.  The Power Rangers, on the other hand, function as nothing more than sounding boards for Gonterman's numbskull political opinions and Zach (the Black Ranger and our first-person narrator) even begins to exhibit near-pathological levels of self-loathing as he lauds Gonterman's alter-ego with near-messianic adulation and presents his white nationalist teachings as religious gospel.  

And Gonterman still found ways to be even more tasteless and offensive in his later stories (go ahead and read "American Kitsune" if you don't believe me).

We plan on eventually recording both "Blood and Metal" (seven chapters) and "American Kitsune" (incomplete at eleven chapters).  Let us know which of these you'd like to listen to first.

Note: Also included in this episode is a message from Andrew Cook of Pretentious Internet Theater and our response.

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Next Time: You'll find out at the end of this episode!

Episode 11: Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover

Before inter-continuity combat became a recurring cash-grab trend in fighting games, TurtleNinja's imaginatively titled "Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover" sought to bridge the gap between innocuous children shows about reptilian martial-artists who love pizza and splatter-gore video games where you have the option of either decapitating your opponent or ripping out his spine.  In this episode's fanfic, the Ninja Turtles team up with a grossly out-of-character Shredder (who, as the author repeatedly points out, is secretly a really nice guy underneath all those layers of megalomania) after they are inexplicably transported to Outworld by Shao Khan who hatches a sinister scheme where... uuuuh... y'know, I really don't know.  Something about how the Turtles "may be useful as [his] entertainment in the next tournament."  Whatever, man.  Wake me up when Michelangelo and Scorpion start brawling.

But there's a catch: this fanfic also features a stealth Mary Sue.

The author tosses into her MUGEN-esque mash-up a mawkish subplot where the romantic exploits of an ambiguously gendered Relationship Sue named (wait for it) TurtleNinja take center-stage and pull us away from the perfunctory, blink-or-you'll-miss-'em fight scenes.  No great loss, I suppose, since the brawling is mostly of the beige variety.  Then again, the mental image of humanoid reptiles gettin' their freak on will probably haunt me until the day I die.

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Next Time: "Quorra Punishment Chapters," most likely.  Unless you guys think I should finally release that long-abandoned audiobook production of "Artemis's Lover" I recorded ages ago.  Confused?  Keep listening after the end of this week's episode for more information.  Either way, the next episode might take a little longer than usual as I am going on a much-needed summer vacation.

Note: So, uh, I apparently spazzed out near the end of this production and screwed up some of the editing during the outro.  Nothing major.  But still... our apologies.  

Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Tom Dyron (the author) has no idea how to write a good fight scene.  Punctuated with bare-knuckle brawls that play out like lame TNA undercard matches, the ludicrous fight scenes from "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" feature all sorts of impossible anatomical contortions, physics defying wrestling maneuvers, and a complete lack of logic, coherence, or causality.  These problems are only accentuated in the third chapter as the author stuffs his story with wall-to-wall action beats that make no goddamn sense whatsoever.  I dare you to decipher some of the word salad kung-fu from this chapter, where a combatant typically "[takes] out his progressive ax and jump[s] on the monster ax's blade down" or squeezes his enemies "so hard that [their] whole body bl[ows] up in 4 pieces."  You'd think the author would've ditched these superfluous fight scenes and focused instead on character development or something.

Oh.  Wait.

Yeah, the author sucks at that too, as demonstrated by some of the maudlin teen melodrama forced into the periphery of this chapter.  Too impatient for traditional methods of character development, the author slams his finger on the fast-forward button and instead doles out contrived expository scenes where characters sit in a circle and clumsily blurt out their inner emotions or romantic desires.  As Tom helpfully explains at one point, "[W]e all live together and... if any of us has feelings for someone else here [sic] should spit it out, [sic] get my meaning?"  It doesn't help that the core romance between Asuka and Tom is only slightly less weird and counterintuitive than Shinji's squicky, wrong-on-so-many-levels, illegal-in-fifty-states courtship of Rei Ayanami.  But let's give the author the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps he didn't want to burden himself with the intricacies of character development and decided to redirect his energies on some kick-ass fight scenes.

Oh.  Wait.

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Next Time: Our collaborative episode should be coming out soon, as will our (very short) audiobook production of "The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi."  Either way, you should get two more episodes very soon!

Original Music: Taylor Sirman, NemesisTheory, JonCJG, Simon McClure, Vox, Verdi, and Chopin.

UPDATE (7/26): So, um, I finished editing that damn Kingdom Hearts fanfic sooner than expected.  I might go ahead and post it tomorrow.  Anyone mind getting two episodes this week?

Note: We also debut our new opening music this week, which comes to us courtesy of Taylor Sirman.   Out of respect for Pretentious Internet Theatre (an excellent podcast all of you should listen to), we have decided to permanently retire Mouret's "Rondeau."  Besides, I kind of fell in love with Sirman's music and wanted an excuse to showcase it on the podcast.  

Episode 7: Transformers in Love - A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors)

Brace yourselves.  No longer content with limiting ourselves to a single short story, we have decided to unleash an unholy triumvirate of fanfics replete with cybersexual eroticism, techno-organic pregnancies, and self-insertion robo-fetishist wish-fulfillment.  That's right: this episode of Crap Fic Theater showcases some of the rather idiosyncratic quirks (if not creepy obsessions) found in some of the darkest corners of Transformers fandom.  As the title of this episode suggests, we have selected three Transformers stories that deal explicitly (and we do mean explicitly) with the love that dare not speak its name.  In short, this episode lets its robosexual freak flag fly as we present to you a menagerie of Harlequin-esque stories about robots fucking, falling in love, and getting pregnant (should have used a robo-prophylactic!).

• "Becoming One" (Bonita Prime): Notorious for her online betrothal to a fictional character, Bonita Prime (also known as The Real Mrs. Optimus Prime) is a self-insertion virtuoso who has written a plethora of fanfics about her author avatar gettin' it on with Autobot leader Optimus Prime.  In this short story, a techno-organic fembot named Selita (which conveniently rhymes with Bonita) falls prey to the roguish charms (not to mention the irresistible robot ass) of Optimus Prime, and describes--in exhaustive detail--her first sexual liaison with her future sparkmate.  The mysteries of Autobot genitalia are revealed!  And in order to cater to her specialized audience of  robo/human fetishists, Bonita goes to great lengths to reassure us that her Mary Sue might be a fembot but she totally looks like a human female.  Whew!  Now I know what to fantasize and fap to imagine as I read this.  Oh, wait.  There's also the fan art.  Goddamnit.
• "Transformers [sic] Cybertron: My Life," chapters 1-2 (Ms. Lady Prime): Competing with Bonita as the headmistress of Prime's Harem, Ms. Lady Prime gives us a short (and I mean really short) multi-character narrative of another shameless Mary Sue bumping mechanical uglies with Optimus Prime.  But there's a twist: Ms. Lady Prime is pregnant with their daughter-to-be Celestial Prime.  If you've ever wanted a sneak peak at the delivery rooms on Cybertron, you are in for a special treat.  Features a dramatic conflict with Megatron that functions only to highlight the author avatar's insane jealousy of Prime's dead wife and backwards sexual politics.  But don't expect much narrative tension as the author dispenses with all subplots with a hand-wave and a couple of paragraphs.
• "The Miracle of Life" (supermoi): But don't worry, Decepticon fans!  In our next story, male pregnancy (or m-preg) enthusiast supermoi recasts Megatron and Starscream as a traditional sitcom couple coping with the forthcoming pitter-patter of little feet.  Yes, Starscream is robo-preggers (miraculously enough) and he's a hormonally imbalanced mess.  That doesn't stop him from engaging in some slashtastic sexual foreplay with Megatron, of course.  But, really.  Not even that strange, out-of-nowhere sexual interlude (complete with ambiguous genitalia) can prepare you for the insane, borderline interminable labor scene where Starscream shouts out lewd insults, Megatron coos at his litter of sparklings, and the Constructicons inexplicably seem to morph into the cast of Private Practice.  You will learn more about the robot reproductive system than you ever wanted to know.

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A special thanks to the Transformers' Afts community for helping me prepare this episode.

NEXT TIME: OK, for reals this time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.  We've re-recorded the missing sound files and should have it completed soon enough.  We hope.  Our collaborative episode should also be out soon.

Episode 6: Judge Brainitite

A typical scene from Dr. Thinker's fanfic

"In the criminal justice system, the Sailor Senshi are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the demonic Negaversers who terrorize and abduct their suspects and the megalomaniacal judges who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.  DOINK DOINK!"

Resembling the lysergic fever dream of Tristan Tzara after bingeing on a straight diet of mahou shoujo manga and legal procedurals, Dr. Thinker's "Judge Brainitite" defies logical explanation.  Transcending the narrow confines of the traditional Sailor Moon fanfic, Dr. Thinker's surreal chamber drama verges on experimental anti-art.  In other words: this shit is absolutely bonkers.  Abducted by the minions of a nefarious Negaverse magistrate named Judge Brainitite,  Usagi (or Serena, depending on who you ask) and the Sailor Senshi must defend themselves in a supernatural court of law.  Their crimes?  Well, as Judge Brainitite explains, "Sailor Moon, your and your team have been beat up on youma and cardiens with out a reason."  So, um, yeah.  Our heroines are terrorized by a coterie of mush-mouthed monsters (all named after internal organs) and the ghosts of dead Negaverse generals (or "gernals") as the trial commences with less dignity than an episode of Judge Judy ("This is hooking me!").  Launching his one-man crusade against the English language, Dr. Thinker creates a tour-de-force of bizarre subplots, incoherent dialogue, whiplash (mis-) characterizations, and some of the most baffling and absoludicrous nuggets of prose ever crafted in western literature.  Don't believe me?  Here's a sampling of what you're in for:

• "'Sailor Sapings, trying to sleep! Forget it! That ray give your guys enough sleep to stay awake for 1 week. Ha Ha Ha!'" 
• "'In two-Nega days, according to Blooditite! He are guard for us. Either he might think we are stronger then this, or he is going to carry to the judge area.' Amy replaced."
• "'Moon Secptor Elimation!' Nothing happens 'Uh..Oh?'"
• "With a lot of hours, the hear a creek of the door. It was Blooditie having key in hand. He look at them. With a evil voice, 'It time to been judged!'"

And those weren't even the best lines!  Seriously!

Give this a listen and see if you can figure out what's going on here.

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Next Time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.


UPDATE (7/13/11): Sooooo... here's a funny story.  After spending the evening diligently editing the first half of this audiobook production, my computer inexplicably gobbled up fifteen minutes of pristine audio goodness.  I have no idea what happened, but it looks like I'm going to have to re-record and re-edit a huge chunk of audio.  As Tom Dyron himself might say, "What da hell?"

Because of this minor setback (to say nothing of the teeth-gnashing and endless frustration), the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" may be delayed.  The next episode might be something else completely... because, really, I can bear to do all that over again right now.

Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2

In the second chapter of this legendary self-insertion fanfic, the inimitable (insufferable?) Tom Dyron continues to karate chop Evangelion in the throat as his fanfic introduces one of its core themes: the total awesomeness of the author avatar and how much ass he kicks.  Yes, those disjointed, sloppily written fight scenes continue to play out like undercard matches at Kaiju Big Battel, but they also function as theatrical performances where Tom can, to paraphrase the teachings of his spiritual forefather Stone Cold Steve Austin, preach the gospel of Dyron 3:16 and open a can of whoop-ass on some Invador [sic] sons of bitches.  But Tom's awesomeness isn't limited to just his WWE championship belt fighting abilities.  As we learn in this chapter, Tom's also a computer hacker, a master chef, a badass biker, a kickboxing champion (did you know that martial arts tournaments give out computers and motorcycles as prizes?), a basketball star, and a brand whore (Tom really loves Emerica and Old Navy).  But what about the rest of the cast?  Well, Ritsuko's interpersonal communication skills go down the toilet (she really has trouble talking on the phone), Misato shags the inexplicably ret-conned Kaji and little else, Asuka and Rei get sidelined or reduced to sounding boards for the men (hints of the author's casual sexism, which becomes more apparent later), Gendo realizes the errors of his ways (and seems to mutate into an eight-handed freak), and the once spineless and mild-mannered Shinji transforms into a trash-talking biker ("Damn right, man!").  Also features intense eating action ("I want Calzone please!" exclaims Shinji at one point), Lynchian dream sequences (where we're introduced to Jeff, our favorite character), hints of a pair of budding romances (more on that next time)  and unintentional double-entendres (especially when Tom screams at his ghost-mom, "It's been SO HARD!").

Download Part One (right click and save)
Download Part Two (right click and save)

Next Time: We move on to the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" and continue looking for guest stars for a special episode of Crap Fic Theater (more on that later).  I'm also still putting off the editing of "Artemis's Lover."  It's just so repulsive, and I don't want to release it uncensored.  At the same time, I'm still not sure how much of it I want to cut out (decisions, decisions).  I'm pretty sure even a censored version of this will get me kicked off iTunes (hey, why don't you go there and subscribe to us?).

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6

In the interest of feeding the trolls, we proudly present this decadent four-course meal of audiobook goodness.  Often imitated but never improved, D'ark Yagam'i's "Light and Dark [sic] The Adventures of Dark Yagami" is an absurdist, canon-punching fever-dream that takes the medium of self-insertion fanfics to its (il)logical extreme.   In this story, Light's diabolical and preternaturally gifted twin brother Dark enters the Yagami household as a virus enters a host cell, tossing the natural order of things irreparably askew.  Trained in a secret orphanage in Whales (which, according to the author, is "a town in England") to become L's successor, Dark instead murders Mello and Watari (who gets better) and absconds to America (where the Yagami house has inexplicably been relocated... perhaps Sandy Frank was hired as a consultant) with "a special death note that kills anyone whos [sic] name is written in it [sic] even if you dont [sic] know there [sic] face or name."  Then things get pretty bonkers.  This fanfic has it all: time travel, double crosses, car chases, secret identities, weird recursive dialogue, knife fights, gratuitous lesbian sex (or "sexing"), mop-fetishism, glittery bikinis with buttons, manly tears, mock-homophobic asides ("its [sic] not like their gay or anything!"), stinky mustaches, lame puns ("Where is Near?" "He is near"), hyper-violent eviscerations, PSP theft, and copious plot holes.  Oh, and blood bananas.  Don't forget the blood bananas.  Filled with ludicrous, near-improbable plot twists and prose that verges on constant non-sequitur, "Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami" might be a stealth parody but it's done so well that it still warrants an audiobook production of the highest calibre.

We have recorded the first six chapters of this fanfic, which could loosely be described as the first story arc and a complete, quasi-cohesive (relatively speaking) narrative.  We have no plans to record the entire 40+ part epic.  Unfortunately, we cannot commit to such a massive undertaking at this time (especially with more "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" still in the works).  However, several dramatic readings of the remaining chapters can be found online.

Now let the foursome begin!

Download chapters 1-3 (right click and save)
Download chapters 4-6 (right click and save)

Next Time: a special non-canonical bonus episode (and then more "DELTA Invasion," we promise)!

Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter one

Tom.  Fucking.  Dyron.  What can we say about him that hasn't already been said?  Let's go through the basics.  He's a beer-guzzling kick-boxing champion, a trash-talking computer hacker (or "l33t h4x0r," if you prefer), a roided-out airforce pilot, a super-suave culinary genius, a thrash metal musician with a heart of gold.... and he's gonna take a steaming shit on Neon Genesis Evangelion.  In the first chapter of this notorious Evangelion self-insertion fanfic, Tom Dyron (the author and the character) gets everything hilariously wrong, transforming the series' deconstructive, hyper-cryptic narrative into a substandard episode of WWE Monday Night Raw and its cast of neurotic manic-depressives into smack-talking badasses (nowhere else could we see Misato belt out a triumphant "hell yeah!" after a battle).  And then things get really stupid.  No, really.  Just wait.  I haven't even mentioned our antagonists: an incompetent, glass-jawed race of mix-and-match critters called (hilariously enough) "the Invadors [sic]."  Protracted, borderline incoherent fight scenes (with fight choreography that's lame even by the lax standards of professional wrestling) are crudely stapled to treacly teen melodrama, as the Evangelion universe is reduced to little more than a backdrop for Tom Dyron to demonstrate his awesomeness.  I wouldn't recommend any drinking games where you take a shot after every dubious retcon or instance of irreparable canon defilement.

And that's just the first chapter, folks.  We at Pamachu Productions are committed to producing at least the first four chapters, and might consider recording the entire thirteen episode extravaganza (if there's a demand for it).

Download Part One (right click and save)

Download Part Two (right click and save)

One chapter down... twelve to go.  Oh, god, what have I started?

Update: We are pleased to announce that we have decided to record all thirteen chapters.  Well, maybe "pleased" isn't the right word for it.