Monday, July 11, 2011

Episode 6: Judge Brainitite

A typical scene from Dr. Thinker's fanfic

"In the criminal justice system, the Sailor Senshi are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the demonic Negaversers who terrorize and abduct their suspects and the megalomaniacal judges who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.  DOINK DOINK!"

Resembling the lysergic fever dream of Tristan Tzara after bingeing on a straight diet of mahou shoujo manga and legal procedurals, Dr. Thinker's "Judge Brainitite" defies logical explanation.  Transcending the narrow confines of the traditional Sailor Moon fanfic, Dr. Thinker's surreal chamber drama verges on experimental anti-art.  In other words: this shit is absolutely bonkers.  Abducted by the minions of a nefarious Negaverse magistrate named Judge Brainitite,  Usagi (or Serena, depending on who you ask) and the Sailor Senshi must defend themselves in a supernatural court of law.  Their crimes?  Well, as Judge Brainitite explains, "Sailor Moon, your and your team have been beat up on youma and cardiens with out a reason."  So, um, yeah.  Our heroines are terrorized by a coterie of mush-mouthed monsters (all named after internal organs) and the ghosts of dead Negaverse generals (or "gernals") as the trial commences with less dignity than an episode of Judge Judy ("This is hooking me!").  Launching his one-man crusade against the English language, Dr. Thinker creates a tour-de-force of bizarre subplots, incoherent dialogue, whiplash (mis-) characterizations, and some of the most baffling and absoludicrous nuggets of prose ever crafted in western literature.  Don't believe me?  Here's a sampling of what you're in for:
  • "'Sailor Sapings, trying to sleep! Forget it! That ray give your guys enough sleep to stay awake for 1 week. Ha Ha Ha!'" 
  • "'In two-Nega days, according to Blooditite! He are guard for us. Either he might think we are stronger then this, or he is going to carry to the judge area.' Amy replaced."
  • "'Moon Secptor Elimation!' Nothing happens 'Uh..Oh?'"
  • "With a lot of hours, the hear a creek of the door. It was Blooditie having key in hand. He look at them. With a evil voice, 'It time to been judged!'"
And those weren't even the best lines!  Seriously!

Give this a listen and see if you can figure out what's going on here.

Next Time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.

UPDATE (7/13/11): Sooooo... here's a funny story.  After spending the evening diligently editing the first half of this audiobook production, my computer inexplicably gobbled up fifteen minutes of pristine audio goodness.  I have no idea what happened, but it looks like I'm going to have to re-record and re-edit a huge chunk of audio.  As Tom Dyron himself might say, "What da hell?"

Because of this minor setback (to say nothing of the teeth-gnashing and endless frustration), the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" may be delayed.  The next episode might be something else completely... because, really, I can bear to do all that over again right now.

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