Episode 13: My Immortal, chapters 1-22

Oh, god.  "My Immortal."  How does one describe Tara Gilesbie's fanfiction magnum opus?  

In truth, you can't.  But here are three small nuggets of information I can pass on before you listen to this episode:

1.  Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" is universally acknowledged as the worst Harry Potter fanfic ever written.
2. Numerous sources agree that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might be the worst work of fanfiction ever written.
3. Others have persuasively argued that Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" might even be the worst piece of prose fiction ever written.  EVER.

Included in this episode are the first twenty-two chapters where we are introduced to our Mary Sue tragically beautiful "goffik" heroine, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who spends her time shopping at Hot Topic, whining melodramatically, practicing vampirism, boinking Draco and Harry (who are both now hot "goffik" bi dudes in leather pants), flipping off preps, and single-handedly presiding over the Gerard Way Fan Club.  Good luck figuring anything else out from this train-wreck.

Just don't fuck with Dumbledore.  Especially when he has a headache.

As mentioned earlier, we plan on recording all of "My Immortal" at some point, although we may have to spread out the remaining chapters over two episodes.  Why?  Because this episode is almost two friggin' hours!  Gah!  At any rate, we're gonna take a short break before we return to the world of goffik Tara Gilesbie.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: Something that isn't "My Immortal."  Oh, please.  Make the hurting stop.

Episode 6: Judge Brainitite

A typical scene from Dr. Thinker's fanfic

"In the criminal justice system, the Sailor Senshi are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the demonic Negaversers who terrorize and abduct their suspects and the megalomaniacal judges who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.  DOINK DOINK!"

Resembling the lysergic fever dream of Tristan Tzara after bingeing on a straight diet of mahou shoujo manga and legal procedurals, Dr. Thinker's "Judge Brainitite" defies logical explanation.  Transcending the narrow confines of the traditional Sailor Moon fanfic, Dr. Thinker's surreal chamber drama verges on experimental anti-art.  In other words: this shit is absolutely bonkers.  Abducted by the minions of a nefarious Negaverse magistrate named Judge Brainitite,  Usagi (or Serena, depending on who you ask) and the Sailor Senshi must defend themselves in a supernatural court of law.  Their crimes?  Well, as Judge Brainitite explains, "Sailor Moon, your and your team have been beat up on youma and cardiens with out a reason."  So, um, yeah.  Our heroines are terrorized by a coterie of mush-mouthed monsters (all named after internal organs) and the ghosts of dead Negaverse generals (or "gernals") as the trial commences with less dignity than an episode of Judge Judy ("This is hooking me!").  Launching his one-man crusade against the English language, Dr. Thinker creates a tour-de-force of bizarre subplots, incoherent dialogue, whiplash (mis-) characterizations, and some of the most baffling and absoludicrous nuggets of prose ever crafted in western literature.  Don't believe me?  Here's a sampling of what you're in for:

• "'Sailor Sapings, trying to sleep! Forget it! That ray give your guys enough sleep to stay awake for 1 week. Ha Ha Ha!'" 
• "'In two-Nega days, according to Blooditite! He are guard for us. Either he might think we are stronger then this, or he is going to carry to the judge area.' Amy replaced."
• "'Moon Secptor Elimation!' Nothing happens 'Uh..Oh?'"
• "With a lot of hours, the hear a creek of the door. It was Blooditie having key in hand. He look at them. With a evil voice, 'It time to been judged!'"

And those weren't even the best lines!  Seriously!

Give this a listen and see if you can figure out what's going on here.

Download this episode (right click and save)

Next Time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.


UPDATE (7/13/11): Sooooo... here's a funny story.  After spending the evening diligently editing the first half of this audiobook production, my computer inexplicably gobbled up fifteen minutes of pristine audio goodness.  I have no idea what happened, but it looks like I'm going to have to re-record and re-edit a huge chunk of audio.  As Tom Dyron himself might say, "What da hell?"

Because of this minor setback (to say nothing of the teeth-gnashing and endless frustration), the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" may be delayed.  The next episode might be something else completely... because, really, I can bear to do all that over again right now.

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami, chapters 1-6

In the interest of feeding the trolls, we proudly present this decadent four-course meal of audiobook goodness.  Often imitated but never improved, D'ark Yagam'i's "Light and Dark [sic] The Adventures of Dark Yagami" is an absurdist, canon-punching fever-dream that takes the medium of self-insertion fanfics to its (il)logical extreme.   In this story, Light's diabolical and preternaturally gifted twin brother Dark enters the Yagami household as a virus enters a host cell, tossing the natural order of things irreparably askew.  Trained in a secret orphanage in Whales (which, according to the author, is "a town in England") to become L's successor, Dark instead murders Mello and Watari (who gets better) and absconds to America (where the Yagami house has inexplicably been relocated... perhaps Sandy Frank was hired as a consultant) with "a special death note that kills anyone whos [sic] name is written in it [sic] even if you dont [sic] know there [sic] face or name."  Then things get pretty bonkers.  This fanfic has it all: time travel, double crosses, car chases, secret identities, weird recursive dialogue, knife fights, gratuitous lesbian sex (or "sexing"), mop-fetishism, glittery bikinis with buttons, manly tears, mock-homophobic asides ("its [sic] not like their gay or anything!"), stinky mustaches, lame puns ("Where is Near?" "He is near"), hyper-violent eviscerations, PSP theft, and copious plot holes.  Oh, and blood bananas.  Don't forget the blood bananas.  Filled with ludicrous, near-improbable plot twists and prose that verges on constant non-sequitur, "Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami" might be a stealth parody but it's done so well that it still warrants an audiobook production of the highest calibre.

We have recorded the first six chapters of this fanfic, which could loosely be described as the first story arc and a complete, quasi-cohesive (relatively speaking) narrative.  We have no plans to record the entire 40+ part epic.  Unfortunately, we cannot commit to such a massive undertaking at this time (especially with more "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" still in the works).  However, several dramatic readings of the remaining chapters can be found online.

Now let the foursome begin!

Download chapters 1-3 (right click and save)
Download chapters 4-6 (right click and save)

Next Time: a special non-canonical bonus episode (and then more "DELTA Invasion," we promise)!