Episode 9: The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi

A special thanks to Allison for requesting that we record this episode.  As always, we aim to please.

"The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi," xXxmRs.RiKu's gore-soaked (or, to paraphrase the author, "gore-govered") Kingdom Hearts anti-fic, teaches us a valuable lesson about the sociopathic extremes of shipping.  In short, hell has no fury like a fangirl scorned.  Her thesis: "kairi [sic] is an ugly bitch [sic] srsly [sic] how can eanybody [sic] LIKE her? GOD."  Featuring one-note characters and a narrative so threadbare that it couldn't even fill up a cocktail napkin, this fanfic functions solely as a propagandistic anti-Kairi author tract where fangirl zealotry has murderous consequences.  In this story, Kairi is mischaracterized as a foul-mouthed, man-crazy, panty-flashing, homophobic dipshit who takes perverse pleasure in cock-blocking Sora and Riku.  And you know what that means--no yaoi!

Wait, no yaoi?  OH GOD!  Won't somebody please think of the yaoi?

Kairi is clearly a menace to slash fandom and must be stopped.  But how do you you solve a problem like Kairi?  I don't want to spoil anything, but... uh... it's all there in the title.

Bonus points for the gratuitous suggestion of necrophilia.

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Next Time: Our collaborative audiobook production of "Until the End of Time."

Original Music: Eperiod, Xeko, mattjohnson817, and DJRocAL.  Oh, and Bach.

Episode 8: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3

By now, it should be abundantly clear that Tom Dyron (the author) has no idea how to write a good fight scene.  Punctuated with bare-knuckle brawls that play out like lame TNA undercard matches, the ludicrous fight scenes from "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" feature all sorts of impossible anatomical contortions, physics defying wrestling maneuvers, and a complete lack of logic, coherence, or causality.  These problems are only accentuated in the third chapter as the author stuffs his story with wall-to-wall action beats that make no goddamn sense whatsoever.  I dare you to decipher some of the word salad kung-fu from this chapter, where a combatant typically "[takes] out his progressive ax and jump[s] on the monster ax's blade down" or squeezes his enemies "so hard that [their] whole body bl[ows] up in 4 pieces."  You'd think the author would've ditched these superfluous fight scenes and focused instead on character development or something.

Oh.  Wait.

Yeah, the author sucks at that too, as demonstrated by some of the maudlin teen melodrama forced into the periphery of this chapter.  Too impatient for traditional methods of character development, the author slams his finger on the fast-forward button and instead doles out contrived expository scenes where characters sit in a circle and clumsily blurt out their inner emotions or romantic desires.  As Tom helpfully explains at one point, "[W]e all live together and... if any of us has feelings for someone else here [sic] should spit it out, [sic] get my meaning?"  It doesn't help that the core romance between Asuka and Tom is only slightly less weird and counterintuitive than Shinji's squicky, wrong-on-so-many-levels, illegal-in-fifty-states courtship of Rei Ayanami.  But let's give the author the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps he didn't want to burden himself with the intricacies of character development and decided to redirect his energies on some kick-ass fight scenes.

Oh.  Wait.

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Next Time: Our collaborative episode should be coming out soon, as will our (very short) audiobook production of "The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi."  Either way, you should get two more episodes very soon!

Original Music: Taylor Sirman, NemesisTheory, JonCJG, Simon McClure, Vox, Verdi, and Chopin.

UPDATE (7/26): So, um, I finished editing that damn Kingdom Hearts fanfic sooner than expected.  I might go ahead and post it tomorrow.  Anyone mind getting two episodes this week?

Note: We also debut our new opening music this week, which comes to us courtesy of Taylor Sirman.   Out of respect for Pretentious Internet Theatre (an excellent podcast all of you should listen to), we have decided to permanently retire Mouret's "Rondeau."  Besides, I kind of fell in love with Sirman's music and wanted an excuse to showcase it on the podcast.  

Progress Report

Just thought we'd let you guys know about all the crap-fic goodness comin' through the pipeline.

Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter three (Tom Dyron): Yes, we've been promising this one for a while.  Due to technical difficulties, we lost our recordings of a pivotal ten minute fight scene from this production.  This, for various reasons, could be considered a great benefit to mankind.  But we've now completely re-recorded this sequence and are almost finished editing the episode.  To quote Tom Dyron, "Hell yeah!"

Until the End of Time (gofer-chan): Now that we've received the sound files from our guest performers, this should be released very soon.  Our cast should be commended for turning in performances that totally eclipse the sort of mush-mouthed theatrics that are my stock-in-trade. Editing will commence once we've put the finishing touches on DELTA Invasion.

The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi (xXxmRs.RiKu): Our first fanfic request!  We actually finished recording this blood-curdling tale this afternoon... and, considering its length, should have it out pretty soon.  You might want to listen to this one with a vomit bag.

Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover (TurtleNinja): On the other hand, this one is going to take a little longer.  We've recorded the whole thing, but I doubt we're going to edit even a second of this until we clear up our backlog.  Until then, feel free to rock and roll this place with the power of the ninja turtle bass.

That's it!  Keep checking back for more updates.

Until then, promise me that you won't get into any knife fights.

Episode 7: Transformers in Love - A Fanfic Anthology (multiple authors)

Brace yourselves.  No longer content with limiting ourselves to a single short story, we have decided to unleash an unholy triumvirate of fanfics replete with cybersexual eroticism, techno-organic pregnancies, and self-insertion robo-fetishist wish-fulfillment.  That's right: this episode of Crap Fic Theater showcases some of the rather idiosyncratic quirks (if not creepy obsessions) found in some of the darkest corners of Transformers fandom.  As the title of this episode suggests, we have selected three Transformers stories that deal explicitly (and we do mean explicitly) with the love that dare not speak its name.  In short, this episode lets its robosexual freak flag fly as we present to you a menagerie of Harlequin-esque stories about robots fucking, falling in love, and getting pregnant (should have used a robo-prophylactic!).

• "Becoming One" (Bonita Prime): Notorious for her online betrothal to a fictional character, Bonita Prime (also known as The Real Mrs. Optimus Prime) is a self-insertion virtuoso who has written a plethora of fanfics about her author avatar gettin' it on with Autobot leader Optimus Prime.  In this short story, a techno-organic fembot named Selita (which conveniently rhymes with Bonita) falls prey to the roguish charms (not to mention the irresistible robot ass) of Optimus Prime, and describes--in exhaustive detail--her first sexual liaison with her future sparkmate.  The mysteries of Autobot genitalia are revealed!  And in order to cater to her specialized audience of  robo/human fetishists, Bonita goes to great lengths to reassure us that her Mary Sue might be a fembot but she totally looks like a human female.  Whew!  Now I know what to fantasize and fap to imagine as I read this.  Oh, wait.  There's also the fan art.  Goddamnit.
• "Transformers [sic] Cybertron: My Life," chapters 1-2 (Ms. Lady Prime): Competing with Bonita as the headmistress of Prime's Harem, Ms. Lady Prime gives us a short (and I mean really short) multi-character narrative of another shameless Mary Sue bumping mechanical uglies with Optimus Prime.  But there's a twist: Ms. Lady Prime is pregnant with their daughter-to-be Celestial Prime.  If you've ever wanted a sneak peak at the delivery rooms on Cybertron, you are in for a special treat.  Features a dramatic conflict with Megatron that functions only to highlight the author avatar's insane jealousy of Prime's dead wife and backwards sexual politics.  But don't expect much narrative tension as the author dispenses with all subplots with a hand-wave and a couple of paragraphs.
• "The Miracle of Life" (supermoi): But don't worry, Decepticon fans!  In our next story, male pregnancy (or m-preg) enthusiast supermoi recasts Megatron and Starscream as a traditional sitcom couple coping with the forthcoming pitter-patter of little feet.  Yes, Starscream is robo-preggers (miraculously enough) and he's a hormonally imbalanced mess.  That doesn't stop him from engaging in some slashtastic sexual foreplay with Megatron, of course.  But, really.  Not even that strange, out-of-nowhere sexual interlude (complete with ambiguous genitalia) can prepare you for the insane, borderline interminable labor scene where Starscream shouts out lewd insults, Megatron coos at his litter of sparklings, and the Constructicons inexplicably seem to morph into the cast of Private Practice.  You will learn more about the robot reproductive system than you ever wanted to know.

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A special thanks to the Transformers' Afts community for helping me prepare this episode.

NEXT TIME: OK, for reals this time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.  We've re-recorded the missing sound files and should have it completed soon enough.  We hope.  Our collaborative episode should also be out soon.

Episode 6: Judge Brainitite

A typical scene from Dr. Thinker's fanfic

"In the criminal justice system, the Sailor Senshi are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the demonic Negaversers who terrorize and abduct their suspects and the megalomaniacal judges who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.  DOINK DOINK!"

Resembling the lysergic fever dream of Tristan Tzara after bingeing on a straight diet of mahou shoujo manga and legal procedurals, Dr. Thinker's "Judge Brainitite" defies logical explanation.  Transcending the narrow confines of the traditional Sailor Moon fanfic, Dr. Thinker's surreal chamber drama verges on experimental anti-art.  In other words: this shit is absolutely bonkers.  Abducted by the minions of a nefarious Negaverse magistrate named Judge Brainitite,  Usagi (or Serena, depending on who you ask) and the Sailor Senshi must defend themselves in a supernatural court of law.  Their crimes?  Well, as Judge Brainitite explains, "Sailor Moon, your and your team have been beat up on youma and cardiens with out a reason."  So, um, yeah.  Our heroines are terrorized by a coterie of mush-mouthed monsters (all named after internal organs) and the ghosts of dead Negaverse generals (or "gernals") as the trial commences with less dignity than an episode of Judge Judy ("This is hooking me!").  Launching his one-man crusade against the English language, Dr. Thinker creates a tour-de-force of bizarre subplots, incoherent dialogue, whiplash (mis-) characterizations, and some of the most baffling and absoludicrous nuggets of prose ever crafted in western literature.  Don't believe me?  Here's a sampling of what you're in for:

• "'Sailor Sapings, trying to sleep! Forget it! That ray give your guys enough sleep to stay awake for 1 week. Ha Ha Ha!'" 
• "'In two-Nega days, according to Blooditite! He are guard for us. Either he might think we are stronger then this, or he is going to carry to the judge area.' Amy replaced."
• "'Moon Secptor Elimation!' Nothing happens 'Uh..Oh?'"
• "With a lot of hours, the hear a creek of the door. It was Blooditie having key in hand. He look at them. With a evil voice, 'It time to been judged!'"

And those weren't even the best lines!  Seriously!

Give this a listen and see if you can figure out what's going on here.

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Next Time: "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion," chapter three.


UPDATE (7/13/11): Sooooo... here's a funny story.  After spending the evening diligently editing the first half of this audiobook production, my computer inexplicably gobbled up fifteen minutes of pristine audio goodness.  I have no idea what happened, but it looks like I'm going to have to re-record and re-edit a huge chunk of audio.  As Tom Dyron himself might say, "What da hell?"

Because of this minor setback (to say nothing of the teeth-gnashing and endless frustration), the next chapter of "Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion" may be delayed.  The next episode might be something else completely... because, really, I can bear to do all that over again right now.